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CHICAGO, IL- The Rhinos are this weeks dish to be served up to the irresistable Tigers whose opening to the 2010 Metro season has been nothing short of barnstorming. With a line up that could beat most teams in the US, the Tigers look to be too big, too strong and too good for the young, inexperienced Rhinos.

It is hard to come up with the right adjectives to describe the Tigers and even harder to find weaknesses in this team that the Rhinos may look to exploit. Meyer leads a forward line that features the greatest of them all in Brian Hoyt as well as Chris Bradshaw, John Dhoory, Rory Junius and possibly even Warrick Burgmann. The midfield is as good as it gets. Led by Crackers Brennan and featuring Vince Dhoory, Trimberger, EP, new gun Jason Wilhelm and renaissance man Matt Leibowitz as well as the best of them all in Peanut Uhlmann, the Rhino mids are going to be well and truly up against it. In the off chance the Rhinos can get it over the center, they’ll meet Poncho, Schmelzer, McHale, Gunn, Fitzgerald, Grisoni and big Pace. All up, this is an all star team that is, more worryingly, playing like an all star team and Francis Bradley likes nothing more to down a few beers after feasting on Rhino steaks.

As the lead up to the game continues, Bradley was asked about his highly fancied team and had this to say, “We are the best by a mile and complacency will be our only challenge to overcome. The Rhinos are down but are cunning. Drake will cheat, use slight of hand, bend rules and use all that experience to get a win but at the end of the day, they have to kick goals and they aren’t doing it on my watch. I am gonna enjoy this 20 goal win as much as last years grand final”.

When told of Bradleys comments, Drake was upbeat and pointed to the vast improvement in the Rhino runners and said he has something in store for his president when the two lock horns friday night with both likely to line up on each other. The Rhinos will get Morgan and Deutz back to provide a bit more attack and with Ortiz playing well, the forward line looks like it might be settling again finally. The backline is strong without being fantastic thus far and Clarke, Scher, Dorsett, Hattery and Jackie Thompson must fire in support of stalwart Disco Panek who will likely get the job on the dangerous Bradshaw, EP, Trimberger of Wilhelm, whoever the Tigers elect to throw forward out of their impressive ruck lineup.

But the midfield is where it is always won and lost. Toby Allen and Rocky Deehan lead an engine room that got out of 1st gear against the Piranhas last week but this obstacle is much bigger than the Rhino V 8 will have to hum like a hooker. Choi in the ruck will have some big questions to answer this week and the Rhinos will need a lot out of Borchardt, Blundell, Wolfe and whoever else Drake can throw at the Uhlmann- Brennan- Leibowitz triangle of magnificance.

This one is easier to pick than Brett Favre under pressure… Tigers by 8 goals, Meyer to kick a lazy 7, Hoyt 5.

WHO: LS V WV
WHEN: Friday, May 14th
WHERE: Waveland Park Fields, CNR Waveland and LSD
WHAT ELSE: Piranhas to supply umpires and heckling.
KEY MATCH UPS: Bradley v Drake, Scher v Meyer, Hattery V Hoyt, Leibowitz v Allen
KEYS TO THE GAME:
RHINOS: Stopping the Tiger runners and breaking the ‘Bradley Wall’ that surrounds the Tiger defence.
TIGERS: Their forwards being able to break the shackles of a quality backline that has the ability to shut down any team on its day. Much will depend on Hoyt as he is the star of this team along with Uhlmann and Brennan.

CHICAGO, IL- Footy is back bigger and better than ever in Chicago and this week will see the might of the Wrigleyville Rhinos take on the new look Piranhas of Lincoln Park. Both teams were soundly beaten by the flag favorite Tigers so this game is shaping up as a test of wills to see who can hold a flame to last years premier.

The Rhinos were left shellshocked after the first game of the year with Tigers running rampant through the middle and carving up their forwards with ease. Forte was one of very few that could hold his head up after the first weeks debacle but he is looking forward to this weeks game against those rascally Amazonian fish. “Mayyyte, was a shocker for sure. I got a bit of the ball but there was no bastard to kick it to. The new boys started to get a grip on the game late which showed on the board as we were able to stop the bastards a bit but strewth mate, we need to pull the proverbial finger out this week and notch win numero uno”. When asked about the array of Rhino talent coming through, Forte said “look out for Choi, Ortiz and in particular Deutz who had a great game first up. Hostetler is a lot better for the run and we are expecting a lot more from on ballers Ambrosino, Borchardt, Drake and Wolfe. Kremers looked like he has a bit of toe in him and with Blundell coming back, the Rhinos should make a better account of themselves. The backs will need to be at their best with Disco likely to get the job on big, bad Roofy Ward. I like the look of Scher, Kansas and Dorsett as well and here’s hoping Clarke and Thompson turn up to give us the muscle we need back there”.

Hayse was a bitterly disappointed man after the loss two weeks ago but remains confident his charges will be dining on Rhino steaks by 7.30 pm friday night. Ward is the key and his battle with Panek will go a long way to decide the winner of this game. Also, as Hayse points out, the Paddy-wagon is starting to hum and the Irish legions are expected to come out harder than Haysey after a Liverpool win. With no write up from the LS v LP game (Al, Hendrie?) it’s hard to bullshit with my usual flair but we’ll have a crack (giggity) anyway. By all accounts, the Piranhas were mere spectators to the Tiger steamroller but they did manage a better effort than the Rhinos against the leagues best which leads this scribe to pick the little fishies to win by 3 goals in a game that will be tough as nails and most likely very low scoring.

The Piranhas have numerous avenues to goal in Ward, CAFA/ World/ Universal legend Al MacGlashan and even Hayse himself who loves to take the odd ping at the big ones when on a dash down the outer wing. McKeegan is a goal sneak and is a very hard man to keep tabs on so look for him to be busy in and under and Hayse also thinks Ehlers maybe a viable option up front. Before you laugh, the big man has kicked bags in the past and all he needs is it to be dry and warm and MacGlashan to hit him on the tit and he will be away and running. Down back, the great BJ Gambaro holds court like a better looking, more handsome Frank Bradley. Arguably the best player on the United list, Gambaro will be the great wall of China, and the Rhinos a mere Mongolian horde looking up at him with awe. With Betty Palmer in some terrific shape and with the prospect of Kastilahn, Fresh and the Cisco kid backing him up, this defence looks way to strong for a Rhino outfit that barely got a kick. The OBK, Drake, Morgan and Ambrosino may as well have not been there three weeks ago and their return of 2 kicks and 1 handball between them was abyssmal. Look for some wholesale changes in the Rhino make up as they look to add some oomph into this line up. This is shaping up as ‘the weekend of Hayse’ as he looks to beat Drake friday night and then again in the big Chelsea v Liverpool clash Saturday morning. If it goes Hayse’s way, look for a very sore Mrs Hayse sunday morning.

Piranhas by 3 goals.

WHO: Lincoln Park Piranhas (0-1) v Wrigleyville Rhinos (0-1)
WHEN: Friday, April 30th at 6pm. Players are asked to arrive at 5pm.
WHERE: Waveland Ballpark, CNR LSD and Waveland
WHAT ELSE: Tigers to provide umpires and hecklers…. and beer (rumours abound of Dave Worniak and his old man coming to this game!!!)
ODDS: LP 3-1, WV 5-1. MacGlashan to do hammy 2-1. Rohan Ward to kick 10, 5-1, Nate Ward to kick 10, 5000-1 (prove me wrong mate… please prove me wrong!)
MATCH UPS TO WATCH: Panek v Ward, Scher v McKeegan, Elmore v Wolfe, Forte v MacGlashan, OBK v the 23 McDonalds he passes on his way to the ground, Hayse v Blundell, Hattery v Ehlers and Everyone affiliated with the CAFA v Rocky Deehan after he changed his relationship status on facebook to ensure the world knew of his new love.. “in a relationship with Laura Farmer” from “in a relationship with my right hand”… I’m fair dinkum…this is the same guy that stole a life sized mannequin and crossed state lines with it and numerous other contraband after testing Newtons third law with the aid of a fire extinguisher in the hotels hallways (and my bedroom, but that’s a story for another time). If you are on facebook, check out all the comments that have come since this disturbing announcement. Hoyts comment maybe the best. MacGlashan could only shake his head. I for one think there should be a new award at the end of the season to commemorate this wonderfully gay announcement. .. ‘The Runaway Love Train”… Catchy?

Match report to come…. can tell you that the Lincoln Square Tigers took the Lincoln Park Piranhas to the cleaners… 7.10 52 to 3.7 25

Chicago, IL- The only face that was wrinkling and aging faster than that of Paul Drake on Friday night was that of Ryan Hayse as the great man bore witness to the seemingly unstoppable force that is the Tiger bandwagon as it rolled over the Rhinos with mere impunity. Hayse does, however, have the recruiting class of 2010 behind him with enough Paddys in it to scare even the most stout of Englishmen. Though largely an unknown and untried entity, this most recent class of Irishman is said to be amongst the best ever. Only time will tell if it contains the next Brennan, McKeegan, Doorhy or even, do I dare say it? The next Bradley? Hayse will need 10 Poncho Bradleys though if he and his Piranhas are to stand up to the might of the Tiger juggernaut.

The Tigers treated the Rhinos to a footballing lesson last friday and with guns like Tommy Gunn, Trimberger, EP, Junius and god knows who else to return, it could be a bleak night for those in the distasteful Romanian jumpers. Liebowitz (unless he is on a walkabout somewhere), the brothers Grimm (Doorhys), Brennan, Uhlmann and new gun Wilhelm will be all waiting in the middle of the ground, ready to rack up possessions quicker Burgmann gives out sponsorship deals. Oscar, Hoyt and Bradshaw are full of piss and vinegar and are looking for bags of goals and then there is that Tiger defence led by Poncho which the Rhinos found quite insurmountable.

The Piranhas have Hayse though. The speedster is in tip top condition and looking to lead his charges to a premiership after last seasons MacGlashan led disaster. His battles with Billy on the wing are worth the price of admission alone. But the big question everyone wants answered is “will HE turn up? Fresh off induction into the US Footy team of the year (yes, there is one), big Roofy has sworn off Metro footy for most of the season, claiming it is below him and he is not interested in giving out free lessons. But can the big man resist the smell of balls, the caress of leather on skin, the sound of men banging in to each other and the taste of sweat cascading down an opponents back as he is driven to all fours from behind? The crack of leather on leather as balls are kicked will be too much for the great man to resist and it is my pick that young 2026 recruit Maddox Ward will be locked in the cupboard with a bowl of fruit loops and a girly magazine (Big Jugs) to keep him busy this friday night while dad sneaks out to partake in some rough stuff (parenting advice provided by Al MacGlashan everyone.. I’d leave Cheerios personally, more fiber!).

The Piranhas, unlike the Cubs, are not all about the Roof top though. Gambaro is in rare shape, MacGlashan has put in the biggest pre season of his entire career (he took Kathryn to the park last week when Lisa wouldn’t let him watch American Idol… he pulled a hammy putting her on the slide though!), McKeegan is the most exciting thing to come out of Ireland since Joey ‘The Lips’ Fagan and Betty Palmer, now that all his efforts are going towards keeping just one lady satisfied, has more energy to burn than a pepped up, pill popping poodle in Pittsburgh. Look for the former Ben Rothlisberger of the CAFA to have a huge influence on this game and hopefully we will see him man up on the other former notorious ladies man in Brain Hoyt. Assuming they can keep their hands to themselves, this will be a classic match up.

Do the Piranhas have any hope really? Not much I’d say. They come in with 50% of their team having never played the game and their experienced players are making their first start. MacGlashan is likely to go down early, as is Ehlers as those infamous hammy’s tighten. Gambaro is a gun and will look to control the backline but the Piranhas issues will be how to stop those Tiger runners and how to break through the Bradley led defense.

WHO: Lincoln Park v Lincoln Square
WHEN: Friday, April 16 @ 6pm sharp
WHERE: Waveland Fields (formerly known as Burgmann Fields). Corner of LSD and Waveland Ave.
WHAT ELSE: Rhinos to supply umpires (can’t lose at umpiring can they??). 2 central, 2 boundaries and two flag wavers as well as many hecklers, drinkers and mockers.
ODDS: Tigers 5/4. Piranhas 7-1
PREDICTION: Tigers by 12 goals
WHAT TO WATCH FOR: Palmer v Hoyt, Gambaro v Meyer, Roofy v Vannessa if he ever leaves Maddox in a cupboard in order to play, MacGlashan v Drake after he reads this, Hayse v Uhlmann, all the new Piranha Irishmen v the free Guiness Poncho is planning on hiding in the forest preserve during the game.

CHICAGO, IL- In magnificent conditions for the start of another year of Chicago Football, the Tigers of Lincoln Square roared loudly to serve notice to the competition that there will be no premiership hangover this season.

Led by a sensational midfield, the Tigers were too quick, too skillful and too good for a Rhino team that will relish the run if not the result. Straight out of the blocks the Tigers looked the better team and although both teams were rusty to say the least, it was the Tigers who overcame the early season start to eventually run out convincing 42 point winners.

From the jump, the Tiger runners, in particular Crabs Doorhy, the flying peanut in Uhlmann and Crackers Brennan were getting a tonne of it and were going to be hard for the Rhinos to control. With what amounted to constant delivery for their forwards, it wasn’t long until the Warrick Capper look alike in Oscar Meyer brought up his first for the season which was followed by his second not long after and signs were ominous for the Rhino army. When Fish Doorhy finished up some lovely work in the center, the Rhinos were in disarray as they were being soundly beaten all over the ground and despite kicking with the aid of what little wind there was, they weren’t able to trouble the scorers save for two minors late in the quarter. At the first break, the Tigers had shot out to a 3.2: 20 to 0.2: 2 lead and Drake and his Rhinos had their work cut out for them.

In the second, the same held true as Brennan, Uhlmann, the brothers Doorhy, the Big Leibowitz and Fitzgerald ran riot. Getting great service from new ruckman Wilhelm, the Tiger runners were all over the shop and linking up well to create some great passages of play that had the Rhino mids in a tizzy and completely bamboozling the Rhino backs. Meyer was able to kick another and when even Brain Hoyt popped up to kick truly the Rhinos knew they were in serious trouble. El Presidente’ Ponch-arelli was holding down the Rhino forwards and try as they might, nothing was going right for the Rhinos who could not muster a productive player for the entire game. New Tigers Schmelzer, Wilhelm, Harper and McHale were having a ball as it all looked too easy for the Tigers while on the other side of the ball, Rhino guns Ambrosino, Wolfe, Drake, Deehan and Forte could only get kicks in the arse. At the long break and in already fading light, Meyer led his Tigers into a 5.3: 33 to 0.2: 2 lead that, given the current state of Rhino play, was tantamount to insurmountable.

The Rhino hierachy appealed for more effort and moves were thrown everywhere and indeed the Rhino came out stronger in an effort to make a game of it. Forte started to have an effect and when Borchardt went on to Crabs to quieten him down it was the Rhinos time to put together some nice passages of play, one of which led to an Eli Rosen mark and goal to set the Rhino scoreboard ticking over. The Rhinos continued to attack but Poncho, Bradshaw and the other Tiger backs continued to treat their Rhino counterparts with little more than disdain and after Crabs pulled one out of his arse to put the Tigers further in front, the game was basically over and one could see some fat chick in the distant warming up the old tonsils. Crabs again was the difference maker and he was able to snag his third in a best on ground performance that sent the Tigers into the orange break 7.8: 50 to 1.3: 9 up.

To their credit, the Rhinos fought out the last quarter in terrific fashion but could not make a dent on the scoreboard. The Tiger runners had run themselves into the ground and with Rhinos being more prepared to run, the game became a battle of the defences as neither team could muster a straight kick meaning the Tigers recorded win number 1 by a 42 point margin.
The Tigers had winners all over the ground but it was their on ballers that provided the spark. Brennan, the Doorhy’s, Uhlmann, Wilhelm and Fitzgerald were all splendid and one could see a smiling Anthony Hendrie running around revelling in his United charges great early form.

The Rhino defence, under the pump all day, tried hard but looked uncoordinated and lacked any real polish giving the Tiger forwards all the ball they wanted. The Tiger backs were suffocating and provided the perfect springboard for their onballers to dominate, even in the tight confines of the Marowitz Chicago Ground (MCG). For the Rhinos though, a chance to go away and lick their wounds. Their onballers in Deehan, Wolfe, Ambrosino and Borchardt were unsighted and had little effect on the game. Their forwards in Morgan, Drake, OBK and Ward were shut down completely and their backs in Scher, Hattery, Dorsett, Forte, Clarke and Panek were completely outgunned and overwhelmed with constant Tiger pressure. The Rhino lacked fitness and their skills were abyssmal when under pressure. Of the new Rhino players, David Deutz put his hand up as a forward, Kremers battled hard and Choi, Ortiz and Hostettler showed enough to warrant some faith from the Rhino fans.

But the day belonged to the Tigers and Meyer who, after the game had this to say to the press; “Mustard? Who the hell is he? I should’ve taken over this mob last year mate and no bastard would’ve come with in Koo-ee of us. Fair dinkum, the form of Leibowitz, Brennan and the Doorhys was great and the main thing is, the bastards listened to me! I told everyone early on, if you have the bastard, kick it to me. Don’t worry about Hoyt, don’t worry about Bradshaw, just get the pill and kick it to the good looking blonde bloke and he’ll take care of the rest. 3 goals later and a huge win behind us and I reckon it were a stroke of bloody genius mate. And mark my words, we will get better. We have EP, Trimberger, Gryznys- Grysbfksi- Grizzily Adams- whatever Tommys last name is and Junius to come back into this team. Today was just us baiting the hook as we go Pirnaha fishing next week”.

Drake on the other hand, slinked away from the game half way through the last quarter to avoid both Hoyt and the waiting press but was seen kicking a raccoon and running over an innocent cyclist as he gave the Tiger bench the bird. Tracked down at the Brownstone later on he had this to say “We’re pharked mate. Didn’t see one good thing to come out of that other than Hoyt hitting the post”.

BURGMANN AWARD VOTES:
3- M. Leibowitz 3- V. Doorhy
2- V. Doorhy 2- G. Brennan
1- J. Doorhy 1- M. Leibowitz

$20 BROWNSTONE AWARD:
Split between Crabs Doorhy and Crackers Brennan

Chicago, IL- This Friday night sees the welcome return to Chicago of top flight Australian Football as the might of the Lincoln Square Tigers takes on the upstart Rhinos of Wrigleyville in what should be a cracker of a game that has been 6 months in the making following the devastation of the 09 Nationals.

Ably lead by the great Francis Bradley, the Tigers have been the dominant recruiting team in the offseason with no less than 8 new players ready to make their mark in the Australian Football sporting world (and rumors abound of former Shark legend Jeffrey Dreher making a comeback!!). With names that read like a whose who of Chicago football, the Tigers have shot out to early flag favoritism and a quick glance at the Vegas odd makers show them 5/4 on to repeat with the Rhinos coming in second at the handsome odds of 4-1. The Piranhas with a lacklustre recruiting class are a mere 231- 1 to take it all (but like a pub with free beer, the Irish are flooding into the Lincoln Park team (now to be known as the O’Piranha’s or Paddy-ranhas) so look for a huge improvement from them.

The Tigers boast an awesome defence and midfield. Bradley, Fitzgerald, Grisoni, Hoyt and Trimberger are set to take aim at the Rhino forwards (DeJong is a huge loss however) while their midfield is nothing short of sensational with names like the brothers Doorhy, EP, Uhlmann, Tommy Gunn, Brennan and journeyman Leibowitz all looking to rack up big numbers in the possessions department. The forward line, long a burden to the Tiger faithful, has come along nicely this off-season. Look for Meyer and Bradshaw to have big games while much can also be expected of Ortiz, Junius (if sober) and of course club legend Warrick Burgmann (if he plays… absolutely nothing is ever guaranteed with the big man). The Tige’s, unlike their professional counterparts in Australia, feature a bevvy of quality new recruits and the coaching staff will have a field day trying to figure out best positions for all these boys. Harris, Jason, McHale, Harper, Allen, Wideman and Burds all look set to make their debuts this Friday night.

On the other side of the ball, ‘THE’ Outback Kid will lead his band of merry men into the game missing Blundell, Allen, Ambrosino and McClamroch. Big names such as Forte, Deehan and Wolfe must shine brighter than a Hoyt knob for the Rhino to scuttle these Tigers. The Rhino always gets great input from their lesser known players though so look for big games from the likes of Jackie Thompson, Jeff Borchardt, John Scher, Kansas Hattery, the 3 Tylers and little Eli Rosen who will probably get the big task of running with the flying Peanut in Billy Uhlmann. The defence is iffy without Clarke and their forwards will need to be on song to play against the infamous Tiger defense but an upset is not out of the question.

Fitness will be a huge determining factor in this game. All players are coming in underdone with the Chicago weather always being a factor. Lincoln Square will have the height and pace, the Rhinos will have the forward power and a huge chip on their shoulder. All in all though, a great game is expected on the shores of Lake Michigan this Friday night.

Details as follows;

WHO: Lincoln Square Tigers v Wrigleyville Rhinos
WHERE: Waveland Fields; CNR LSD and Waveland
WHEN: Friday the 9th of April
TIME: 6pm (sharp)

SMART MONEY: Tigers by 3 goals, 23 if Burgmann plays.

AFTER: Brownstone Tavern. This is an important function as we need as many people to attend to show our new sponsor that we are fair dinkum. We will take turns controlling Rocky after 10pm. NO BEEP TESTS TO BE RUN THIS EARLY IN THE SEASON BJ!

ALL PIRANHAS AND NEW PLAYERS: Each team must field at least 12 guys. We will endeavor to play 16 a side. If a team is short, Piranhas will fill in. Those picked will be 1st or 2nd year players only. Therefore, all Piranhas should turn up to the game with the following… Footy gear (no baseball cleats!!!), umpiring gear (experienced Piranhas… boundary and goal required.. Haysie will email you lot with more info), and beer (Worniak, don’t drink it all again).

NEW THIS YEAR: Burgmann award will run on the website and will combine metro and maafl. The metro Best and Fairest will be voted on by the umpires and votes will be sealed to be read out at our presentation night.

MacGlashan Medal is both MAAFL and Metro but you don’t get credit for goals kicked playing for an opposition team.

FINALLY: Get on facebook and check out the chicago footy site for all updated info on training, games, play ‘where’s Wazza’ and to upload any photos etc. Also, ensure you are logging into www.chicagofooty. com and paying your dues which need to be paid asap. Oscar has done a beaut job on the website and it needs to be seen to be believed. Check out the forum link to find out what the OBK is up to (or down to… lost another 3 lbs and now is 236lbs! Or was that 326? Dunno but we’ll see friday night!)