Piranhas to Face Tiger Gauntlet


Chicago, IL- The only face that was wrinkling and aging faster than that of Paul Drake on Friday night was that of Ryan Hayse as the great man bore witness to the seemingly unstoppable force that is the Tiger bandwagon as it rolled over the Rhinos with mere impunity. Hayse does, however, have the recruiting class of 2010 behind him with enough Paddys in it to scare even the most stout of Englishmen. Though largely an unknown and untried entity, this most recent class of Irishman is said to be amongst the best ever. Only time will tell if it contains the next Brennan, McKeegan, Doorhy or even, do I dare say it? The next Bradley? Hayse will need 10 Poncho Bradleys though if he and his Piranhas are to stand up to the might of the Tiger juggernaut.

The Tigers treated the Rhinos to a footballing lesson last friday and with guns like Tommy Gunn, Trimberger, EP, Junius and god knows who else to return, it could be a bleak night for those in the distasteful Romanian jumpers. Liebowitz (unless he is on a walkabout somewhere), the brothers Grimm (Doorhys), Brennan, Uhlmann and new gun Wilhelm will be all waiting in the middle of the ground, ready to rack up possessions quicker Burgmann gives out sponsorship deals. Oscar, Hoyt and Bradshaw are full of piss and vinegar and are looking for bags of goals and then there is that Tiger defence led by Poncho which the Rhinos found quite insurmountable.

The Piranhas have Hayse though. The speedster is in tip top condition and looking to lead his charges to a premiership after last seasons MacGlashan led disaster. His battles with Billy on the wing are worth the price of admission alone. But the big question everyone wants answered is “will HE turn up? Fresh off induction into the US Footy team of the year (yes, there is one), big Roofy has sworn off Metro footy for most of the season, claiming it is below him and he is not interested in giving out free lessons. But can the big man resist the smell of balls, the caress of leather on skin, the sound of men banging in to each other and the taste of sweat cascading down an opponents back as he is driven to all fours from behind? The crack of leather on leather as balls are kicked will be too much for the great man to resist and it is my pick that young 2026 recruit Maddox Ward will be locked in the cupboard with a bowl of fruit loops and a girly magazine (Big Jugs) to keep him busy this friday night while dad sneaks out to partake in some rough stuff (parenting advice provided by Al MacGlashan everyone.. I’d leave Cheerios personally, more fiber!).

The Piranhas, unlike the Cubs, are not all about the Roof top though. Gambaro is in rare shape, MacGlashan has put in the biggest pre season of his entire career (he took Kathryn to the park last week when Lisa wouldn’t let him watch American Idol… he pulled a hammy putting her on the slide though!), McKeegan is the most exciting thing to come out of Ireland since Joey ‘The Lips’ Fagan and Betty Palmer, now that all his efforts are going towards keeping just one lady satisfied, has more energy to burn than a pepped up, pill popping poodle in Pittsburgh. Look for the former Ben Rothlisberger of the CAFA to have a huge influence on this game and hopefully we will see him man up on the other former notorious ladies man in Brain Hoyt. Assuming they can keep their hands to themselves, this will be a classic match up.

Do the Piranhas have any hope really? Not much I’d say. They come in with 50% of their team having never played the game and their experienced players are making their first start. MacGlashan is likely to go down early, as is Ehlers as those infamous hammy’s tighten. Gambaro is a gun and will look to control the backline but the Piranhas issues will be how to stop those Tiger runners and how to break through the Bradley led defense.

WHO: Lincoln Park v Lincoln Square
WHEN: Friday, April 16 @ 6pm sharp
WHERE: Waveland Fields (formerly known as Burgmann Fields). Corner of LSD and Waveland Ave.
WHAT ELSE: Rhinos to supply umpires (can’t lose at umpiring can they??). 2 central, 2 boundaries and two flag wavers as well as many hecklers, drinkers and mockers.
ODDS: Tigers 5/4. Piranhas 7-1
PREDICTION: Tigers by 12 goals
WHAT TO WATCH FOR: Palmer v Hoyt, Gambaro v Meyer, Roofy v Vannessa if he ever leaves Maddox in a cupboard in order to play, MacGlashan v Drake after he reads this, Hayse v Uhlmann, all the new Piranha Irishmen v the free Guiness Poncho is planning on hiding in the forest preserve during the game.

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  • Thomas Shearman
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