Tigers in Rhino Rout

CHICAGO, IL- In magnificent conditions for the start of another year of Chicago Football, the Tigers of Lincoln Square roared loudly to serve notice to the competition that there will be no premiership hangover this season.

Led by a sensational midfield, the Tigers were too quick, too skillful and too good for a Rhino team that will relish the run if not the result. Straight out of the blocks the Tigers looked the better team and although both teams were rusty to say the least, it was the Tigers who overcame the early season start to eventually run out convincing 42 point winners.

From the jump, the Tiger runners, in particular Crabs Doorhy, the flying peanut in Uhlmann and Crackers Brennan were getting a tonne of it and were going to be hard for the Rhinos to control. With what amounted to constant delivery for their forwards, it wasn’t long until the Warrick Capper look alike in Oscar Meyer brought up his first for the season which was followed by his second not long after and signs were ominous for the Rhino army. When Fish Doorhy finished up some lovely work in the center, the Rhinos were in disarray as they were being soundly beaten all over the ground and despite kicking with the aid of what little wind there was, they weren’t able to trouble the scorers save for two minors late in the quarter. At the first break, the Tigers had shot out to a 3.2: 20 to 0.2: 2 lead and Drake and his Rhinos had their work cut out for them.

In the second, the same held true as Brennan, Uhlmann, the brothers Doorhy, the Big Leibowitz and Fitzgerald ran riot. Getting great service from new ruckman Wilhelm, the Tiger runners were all over the shop and linking up well to create some great passages of play that had the Rhino mids in a tizzy and completely bamboozling the Rhino backs. Meyer was able to kick another and when even Brain Hoyt popped up to kick truly the Rhinos knew they were in serious trouble. El Presidente’ Ponch-arelli was holding down the Rhino forwards and try as they might, nothing was going right for the Rhinos who could not muster a productive player for the entire game. New Tigers Schmelzer, Wilhelm, Harper and McHale were having a ball as it all looked too easy for the Tigers while on the other side of the ball, Rhino guns Ambrosino, Wolfe, Drake, Deehan and Forte could only get kicks in the arse. At the long break and in already fading light, Meyer led his Tigers into a 5.3: 33 to 0.2: 2 lead that, given the current state of Rhino play, was tantamount to insurmountable.

The Rhino hierachy appealed for more effort and moves were thrown everywhere and indeed the Rhino came out stronger in an effort to make a game of it. Forte started to have an effect and when Borchardt went on to Crabs to quieten him down it was the Rhinos time to put together some nice passages of play, one of which led to an Eli Rosen mark and goal to set the Rhino scoreboard ticking over. The Rhinos continued to attack but Poncho, Bradshaw and the other Tiger backs continued to treat their Rhino counterparts with little more than disdain and after Crabs pulled one out of his arse to put the Tigers further in front, the game was basically over and one could see some fat chick in the distant warming up the old tonsils. Crabs again was the difference maker and he was able to snag his third in a best on ground performance that sent the Tigers into the orange break 7.8: 50 to 1.3: 9 up.

To their credit, the Rhinos fought out the last quarter in terrific fashion but could not make a dent on the scoreboard. The Tiger runners had run themselves into the ground and with Rhinos being more prepared to run, the game became a battle of the defences as neither team could muster a straight kick meaning the Tigers recorded win number 1 by a 42 point margin.
The Tigers had winners all over the ground but it was their on ballers that provided the spark. Brennan, the Doorhy’s, Uhlmann, Wilhelm and Fitzgerald were all splendid and one could see a smiling Anthony Hendrie running around revelling in his United charges great early form.

The Rhino defence, under the pump all day, tried hard but looked uncoordinated and lacked any real polish giving the Tiger forwards all the ball they wanted. The Tiger backs were suffocating and provided the perfect springboard for their onballers to dominate, even in the tight confines of the Marowitz Chicago Ground (MCG). For the Rhinos though, a chance to go away and lick their wounds. Their onballers in Deehan, Wolfe, Ambrosino and Borchardt were unsighted and had little effect on the game. Their forwards in Morgan, Drake, OBK and Ward were shut down completely and their backs in Scher, Hattery, Dorsett, Forte, Clarke and Panek were completely outgunned and overwhelmed with constant Tiger pressure. The Rhino lacked fitness and their skills were abyssmal when under pressure. Of the new Rhino players, David Deutz put his hand up as a forward, Kremers battled hard and Choi, Ortiz and Hostettler showed enough to warrant some faith from the Rhino fans.

But the day belonged to the Tigers and Meyer who, after the game had this to say to the press; “Mustard? Who the hell is he? I should’ve taken over this mob last year mate and no bastard would’ve come with in Koo-ee of us. Fair dinkum, the form of Leibowitz, Brennan and the Doorhys was great and the main thing is, the bastards listened to me! I told everyone early on, if you have the bastard, kick it to me. Don’t worry about Hoyt, don’t worry about Bradshaw, just get the pill and kick it to the good looking blonde bloke and he’ll take care of the rest. 3 goals later and a huge win behind us and I reckon it were a stroke of bloody genius mate. And mark my words, we will get better. We have EP, Trimberger, Gryznys- Grysbfksi- Grizzily Adams- whatever Tommys last name is and Junius to come back into this team. Today was just us baiting the hook as we go Pirnaha fishing next week”.

Drake on the other hand, slinked away from the game half way through the last quarter to avoid both Hoyt and the waiting press but was seen kicking a raccoon and running over an innocent cyclist as he gave the Tiger bench the bird. Tracked down at the Brownstone later on he had this to say “We’re pharked mate. Didn’t see one good thing to come out of that other than Hoyt hitting the post”.

BURGMANN AWARD VOTES:
3- M. Leibowitz 3- V. Doorhy
2- V. Doorhy 2- G. Brennan
1- J. Doorhy 1- M. Leibowitz

$20 BROWNSTONE AWARD:
Split between Crabs Doorhy and Crackers Brennan