Piranhas Look to Nibble on Some Rancid Rhino Toes


CHICAGO, IL- Footy is back bigger and better than ever in Chicago and this week will see the might of the Wrigleyville Rhinos take on the new look Piranhas of Lincoln Park. Both teams were soundly beaten by the flag favorite Tigers so this game is shaping up as a test of wills to see who can hold a flame to last years premier.

The Rhinos were left shellshocked after the first game of the year with Tigers running rampant through the middle and carving up their forwards with ease. Forte was one of very few that could hold his head up after the first weeks debacle but he is looking forward to this weeks game against those rascally Amazonian fish. “Mayyyte, was a shocker for sure. I got a bit of the ball but there was no bastard to kick it to. The new boys started to get a grip on the game late which showed on the board as we were able to stop the bastards a bit but strewth mate, we need to pull the proverbial finger out this week and notch win numero uno”. When asked about the array of Rhino talent coming through, Forte said “look out for Choi, Ortiz and in particular Deutz who had a great game first up. Hostetler is a lot better for the run and we are expecting a lot more from on ballers Ambrosino, Borchardt, Drake and Wolfe. Kremers looked like he has a bit of toe in him and with Blundell coming back, the Rhinos should make a better account of themselves. The backs will need to be at their best with Disco likely to get the job on big, bad Roofy Ward. I like the look of Scher, Kansas and Dorsett as well and here’s hoping Clarke and Thompson turn up to give us the muscle we need back there”.

Hayse was a bitterly disappointed man after the loss two weeks ago but remains confident his charges will be dining on Rhino steaks by 7.30 pm friday night. Ward is the key and his battle with Panek will go a long way to decide the winner of this game. Also, as Hayse points out, the Paddy-wagon is starting to hum and the Irish legions are expected to come out harder than Haysey after a Liverpool win. With no write up from the LS v LP game (Al, Hendrie?) it’s hard to bullshit with my usual flair but we’ll have a crack (giggity) anyway. By all accounts, the Piranhas were mere spectators to the Tiger steamroller but they did manage a better effort than the Rhinos against the leagues best which leads this scribe to pick the little fishies to win by 3 goals in a game that will be tough as nails and most likely very low scoring.

The Piranhas have numerous avenues to goal in Ward, CAFA/ World/ Universal legend Al MacGlashan and even Hayse himself who loves to take the odd ping at the big ones when on a dash down the outer wing. McKeegan is a goal sneak and is a very hard man to keep tabs on so look for him to be busy in and under and Hayse also thinks Ehlers maybe a viable option up front. Before you laugh, the big man has kicked bags in the past and all he needs is it to be dry and warm and MacGlashan to hit him on the tit and he will be away and running. Down back, the great BJ Gambaro holds court like a better looking, more handsome Frank Bradley. Arguably the best player on the United list, Gambaro will be the great wall of China, and the Rhinos a mere Mongolian horde looking up at him with awe. With Betty Palmer in some terrific shape and with the prospect of Kastilahn, Fresh and the Cisco kid backing him up, this defence looks way to strong for a Rhino outfit that barely got a kick. The OBK, Drake, Morgan and Ambrosino may as well have not been there three weeks ago and their return of 2 kicks and 1 handball between them was abyssmal. Look for some wholesale changes in the Rhino make up as they look to add some oomph into this line up. This is shaping up as ‘the weekend of Hayse’ as he looks to beat Drake friday night and then again in the big Chelsea v Liverpool clash Saturday morning. If it goes Hayse’s way, look for a very sore Mrs Hayse sunday morning.

Piranhas by 3 goals.

WHO: Lincoln Park Piranhas (0-1) v Wrigleyville Rhinos (0-1)
WHEN: Friday, April 30th at 6pm. Players are asked to arrive at 5pm.
WHERE: Waveland Ballpark, CNR LSD and Waveland
WHAT ELSE: Tigers to provide umpires and hecklers…. and beer (rumours abound of Dave Worniak and his old man coming to this game!!!)
ODDS: LP 3-1, WV 5-1. MacGlashan to do hammy 2-1. Rohan Ward to kick 10, 5-1, Nate Ward to kick 10, 5000-1 (prove me wrong mate… please prove me wrong!)
MATCH UPS TO WATCH: Panek v Ward, Scher v McKeegan, Elmore v Wolfe, Forte v MacGlashan, OBK v the 23 McDonalds he passes on his way to the ground, Hayse v Blundell, Hattery v Ehlers and Everyone affiliated with the CAFA v Rocky Deehan after he changed his relationship status on facebook to ensure the world knew of his new love.. “in a relationship with Laura Farmer” from “in a relationship with my right hand”… I’m fair dinkum…this is the same guy that stole a life sized mannequin and crossed state lines with it and numerous other contraband after testing Newtons third law with the aid of a fire extinguisher in the hotels hallways (and my bedroom, but that’s a story for another time). If you are on facebook, check out all the comments that have come since this disturbing announcement. Hoyts comment maybe the best. MacGlashan could only shake his head. I for one think there should be a new award at the end of the season to commemorate this wonderfully gay announcement. .. ‘The Runaway Love Train”… Catchy?


Team Q1 Q2 Q3 Q4 Final
Rhinos 2.1.13 0.0.0 2.0.12 1.0.6 5.1.31
Piranhas 2.1.13 2.3.15 1.1.7 3.5.23 8.10.58
Goals Rhinos: Drake (2), Ambrosino, Ortiz, McClamroch
Piranhas: Ward (2), Gallagher, Zukowski, McKeegan, MacGlashan
Best Rhinos: Ortiz, Thompson, Rosen, Choi
Piranhas: Ward, Gallagher, Zukowski, Hayes, Coyle, Sweeny

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  • Thomas Shearman
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