News — piranhas

CHICAGO, IL- Footy is back bigger and better than ever in Chicago and this week will see the might of the Wrigleyville Rhinos take on the new look Piranhas of Lincoln Park. Both teams were soundly beaten by the flag favorite Tigers so this game is shaping up as a test of wills to see who can hold a flame to last years premier.

The Rhinos were left shellshocked after the first game of the year with Tigers running rampant through the middle and carving up their forwards with ease. Forte was one of very few that could hold his head up after the first weeks debacle but he is looking forward to this weeks game against those rascally Amazonian fish. “Mayyyte, was a shocker for sure. I got a bit of the ball but there was no bastard to kick it to. The new boys started to get a grip on the game late which showed on the board as we were able to stop the bastards a bit but strewth mate, we need to pull the proverbial finger out this week and notch win numero uno”. When asked about the array of Rhino talent coming through, Forte said “look out for Choi, Ortiz and in particular Deutz who had a great game first up. Hostetler is a lot better for the run and we are expecting a lot more from on ballers Ambrosino, Borchardt, Drake and Wolfe. Kremers looked like he has a bit of toe in him and with Blundell coming back, the Rhinos should make a better account of themselves. The backs will need to be at their best with Disco likely to get the job on big, bad Roofy Ward. I like the look of Scher, Kansas and Dorsett as well and here’s hoping Clarke and Thompson turn up to give us the muscle we need back there”.

Hayse was a bitterly disappointed man after the loss two weeks ago but remains confident his charges will be dining on Rhino steaks by 7.30 pm friday night. Ward is the key and his battle with Panek will go a long way to decide the winner of this game. Also, as Hayse points out, the Paddy-wagon is starting to hum and the Irish legions are expected to come out harder than Haysey after a Liverpool win. With no write up from the LS v LP game (Al, Hendrie?) it’s hard to bullshit with my usual flair but we’ll have a crack (giggity) anyway. By all accounts, the Piranhas were mere spectators to the Tiger steamroller but they did manage a better effort than the Rhinos against the leagues best which leads this scribe to pick the little fishies to win by 3 goals in a game that will be tough as nails and most likely very low scoring.

The Piranhas have numerous avenues to goal in Ward, CAFA/ World/ Universal legend Al MacGlashan and even Hayse himself who loves to take the odd ping at the big ones when on a dash down the outer wing. McKeegan is a goal sneak and is a very hard man to keep tabs on so look for him to be busy in and under and Hayse also thinks Ehlers maybe a viable option up front. Before you laugh, the big man has kicked bags in the past and all he needs is it to be dry and warm and MacGlashan to hit him on the tit and he will be away and running. Down back, the great BJ Gambaro holds court like a better looking, more handsome Frank Bradley. Arguably the best player on the United list, Gambaro will be the great wall of China, and the Rhinos a mere Mongolian horde looking up at him with awe. With Betty Palmer in some terrific shape and with the prospect of Kastilahn, Fresh and the Cisco kid backing him up, this defence looks way to strong for a Rhino outfit that barely got a kick. The OBK, Drake, Morgan and Ambrosino may as well have not been there three weeks ago and their return of 2 kicks and 1 handball between them was abyssmal. Look for some wholesale changes in the Rhino make up as they look to add some oomph into this line up. This is shaping up as ‘the weekend of Hayse’ as he looks to beat Drake friday night and then again in the big Chelsea v Liverpool clash Saturday morning. If it goes Hayse’s way, look for a very sore Mrs Hayse sunday morning.

Piranhas by 3 goals.

WHO: Lincoln Park Piranhas (0-1) v Wrigleyville Rhinos (0-1)
WHEN: Friday, April 30th at 6pm. Players are asked to arrive at 5pm.
WHERE: Waveland Ballpark, CNR LSD and Waveland
WHAT ELSE: Tigers to provide umpires and hecklers…. and beer (rumours abound of Dave Worniak and his old man coming to this game!!!)
ODDS: LP 3-1, WV 5-1. MacGlashan to do hammy 2-1. Rohan Ward to kick 10, 5-1, Nate Ward to kick 10, 5000-1 (prove me wrong mate… please prove me wrong!)
MATCH UPS TO WATCH: Panek v Ward, Scher v McKeegan, Elmore v Wolfe, Forte v MacGlashan, OBK v the 23 McDonalds he passes on his way to the ground, Hayse v Blundell, Hattery v Ehlers and Everyone affiliated with the CAFA v Rocky Deehan after he changed his relationship status on facebook to ensure the world knew of his new love.. “in a relationship with Laura Farmer” from “in a relationship with my right hand”… I’m fair dinkum…this is the same guy that stole a life sized mannequin and crossed state lines with it and numerous other contraband after testing Newtons third law with the aid of a fire extinguisher in the hotels hallways (and my bedroom, but that’s a story for another time). If you are on facebook, check out all the comments that have come since this disturbing announcement. Hoyts comment maybe the best. MacGlashan could only shake his head. I for one think there should be a new award at the end of the season to commemorate this wonderfully gay announcement. .. ‘The Runaway Love Train”… Catchy?

Match report to come…. can tell you that the Lincoln Square Tigers took the Lincoln Park Piranhas to the cleaners… 7.10 52 to 3.7 25

Chicago, IL- The only face that was wrinkling and aging faster than that of Paul Drake on Friday night was that of Ryan Hayse as the great man bore witness to the seemingly unstoppable force that is the Tiger bandwagon as it rolled over the Rhinos with mere impunity. Hayse does, however, have the recruiting class of 2010 behind him with enough Paddys in it to scare even the most stout of Englishmen. Though largely an unknown and untried entity, this most recent class of Irishman is said to be amongst the best ever. Only time will tell if it contains the next Brennan, McKeegan, Doorhy or even, do I dare say it? The next Bradley? Hayse will need 10 Poncho Bradleys though if he and his Piranhas are to stand up to the might of the Tiger juggernaut.

The Tigers treated the Rhinos to a footballing lesson last friday and with guns like Tommy Gunn, Trimberger, EP, Junius and god knows who else to return, it could be a bleak night for those in the distasteful Romanian jumpers. Liebowitz (unless he is on a walkabout somewhere), the brothers Grimm (Doorhys), Brennan, Uhlmann and new gun Wilhelm will be all waiting in the middle of the ground, ready to rack up possessions quicker Burgmann gives out sponsorship deals. Oscar, Hoyt and Bradshaw are full of piss and vinegar and are looking for bags of goals and then there is that Tiger defence led by Poncho which the Rhinos found quite insurmountable.

The Piranhas have Hayse though. The speedster is in tip top condition and looking to lead his charges to a premiership after last seasons MacGlashan led disaster. His battles with Billy on the wing are worth the price of admission alone. But the big question everyone wants answered is “will HE turn up? Fresh off induction into the US Footy team of the year (yes, there is one), big Roofy has sworn off Metro footy for most of the season, claiming it is below him and he is not interested in giving out free lessons. But can the big man resist the smell of balls, the caress of leather on skin, the sound of men banging in to each other and the taste of sweat cascading down an opponents back as he is driven to all fours from behind? The crack of leather on leather as balls are kicked will be too much for the great man to resist and it is my pick that young 2026 recruit Maddox Ward will be locked in the cupboard with a bowl of fruit loops and a girly magazine (Big Jugs) to keep him busy this friday night while dad sneaks out to partake in some rough stuff (parenting advice provided by Al MacGlashan everyone.. I’d leave Cheerios personally, more fiber!).

The Piranhas, unlike the Cubs, are not all about the Roof top though. Gambaro is in rare shape, MacGlashan has put in the biggest pre season of his entire career (he took Kathryn to the park last week when Lisa wouldn’t let him watch American Idol… he pulled a hammy putting her on the slide though!), McKeegan is the most exciting thing to come out of Ireland since Joey ‘The Lips’ Fagan and Betty Palmer, now that all his efforts are going towards keeping just one lady satisfied, has more energy to burn than a pepped up, pill popping poodle in Pittsburgh. Look for the former Ben Rothlisberger of the CAFA to have a huge influence on this game and hopefully we will see him man up on the other former notorious ladies man in Brain Hoyt. Assuming they can keep their hands to themselves, this will be a classic match up.

Do the Piranhas have any hope really? Not much I’d say. They come in with 50% of their team having never played the game and their experienced players are making their first start. MacGlashan is likely to go down early, as is Ehlers as those infamous hammy’s tighten. Gambaro is a gun and will look to control the backline but the Piranhas issues will be how to stop those Tiger runners and how to break through the Bradley led defense.

WHO: Lincoln Park v Lincoln Square
WHEN: Friday, April 16 @ 6pm sharp
WHERE: Waveland Fields (formerly known as Burgmann Fields). Corner of LSD and Waveland Ave.
WHAT ELSE: Rhinos to supply umpires (can’t lose at umpiring can they??). 2 central, 2 boundaries and two flag wavers as well as many hecklers, drinkers and mockers.
ODDS: Tigers 5/4. Piranhas 7-1
PREDICTION: Tigers by 12 goals
WHAT TO WATCH FOR: Palmer v Hoyt, Gambaro v Meyer, Roofy v Vannessa if he ever leaves Maddox in a cupboard in order to play, MacGlashan v Drake after he reads this, Hayse v Uhlmann, all the new Piranha Irishmen v the free Guiness Poncho is planning on hiding in the forest preserve during the game.

Burgmann Fields, IL- A match for the ages was carried out on Friday night as the Wrigleyville Rhinos and the Lincoln Park Piranhas battled it out to see who would earn the right to meet the Lincoln Square Tigers in the CAFA Grand Final. On a Waveland Field which was as dry and hard as an African savannah, the Rhinos looked completely at home while the Piranhas flailed about like fish out of water. Many observers believed that a Drake, Wolfe and Scherless Rhino outfit would be no match for the might of Lincoln Park – but somebody forgot to tell Wrigleyville that!

Both teams arrived at the field with 13 players. Wrigleyville were without United players Drake and Wolfe while Lincoln Park were missing Gambaro and Kastilahn. Both teams were boosted with the inclusions of Tiger’s stars Brennan (Wrigleyville) and Uhlmann (Piranhas). It was predicted that the Rhinos would need to win by approximately 7 goals to displace the Piranhas from the Grand Final.

While both teams made plenty of noise as they took their positions on the field it was obvious from the initial whistle that there was one team that had really come to play. Wrigleyville dominated possession for the first five minutes as Lincoln Park looked flat and were continuously second to the ball. Forte looked dangerous from the outset as he attacked the ball from Center Half Forward. During this time poor kicking left the Rhinos without reward as they scored numerous behinds without a major. Then with their first foray forward, the Piranhas were able to score an easy goal, a goal which should have broken the spirits of the Wrigleyville players. In what was to become the trend throughout the game though, Wrigleyville kept coming at the Piranhas and scored the remaining 3 goals of the quarter. The first quarter ended with a strong final few minutes for Lincoln Park but like the Rhinos earlier, the goals were hard to find. Didak provided a run for the highlight reel bouncing the ball through the middle of the field only to hammer the ball into the goal post from 40 yards out.

Observations from this period of play were that Wrigleyville were dominating the center of the field despite Stacey controlling the ruck contests. Ward was proving to be in fine form up forward for Lincoln Park but was being starved of opportunities.

Quarter time scores. Wr 3.5-23 LP 1.4-10

Suddenly the game was heated up with an upset on the cards. The Piranhas returned to the field for the second quarter with a new fire in their eyes. Despite this it was once again Wrigleyville who jumped out of the blocks. After last week’s magical disappearing goal from ‘Jezza’ Morgan, he was able to score again this week with his best Ralph Macchio Karate Kid kick from the goal square as he was surrounded by three Piranha defenders. The onslaught continued as Tim, Toby, Rocky and Crackers ran riot through the center of the ground and linked up with ease with Forte up forward.

With the prospect of a Grand Final berth slipping away for Lincoln Park they threw their trump card, Ward, into the middle and McGlashan up forward to try and wrestle some control back. The move worked with Ward getting plenty of the ball and McGlashan kicking two goals for the quarter. Still it was not enough for the Piranhas to win the quarter and they went into the long break 18 points in arrears. If this pattern continued it would be Wrigleyville moving on to the season’s biggest game.

Half time scores. Wr 6.6-42 LP 3.6-24

The third quarter was a free flowing ordeal with both teams moving the ball relatively easily through the middle of the field. Didak was proving he was not just a clever forward by moving back onto Forte and providing a great contest for the crowd. Hayes found his legs and provided great movement through to his forwards while the Wrigleyville onballers continued their high work rate. The Piranhas though were relying too much on fast breaks out of defense while the ball was still spending the majority of time in the Rhino half of the ground. The quarter finished without either team able to grab the upper hand and leaving the match set up for a cracker of a last quarter.

Three quarter time scores. Wr 9.7-61 LP 6.7-43

Both captains tried to provide their team with inspirational speeches and both teams were confident that they could win the final quarter. The last 15 minutes were completely one sided though as the Wrigleyville Rhinos did not allow the ball out of their half and if not for some very poor kicking could have put the Grand Final berth beyond doubt. Forte, while dominating his position, had a wasteful game in front of goal kicking 6 behinds for the match. The Piranhas were left scoreless for the quarter while Wrigleyville kicked two goals, six behinds. Once again it was the Wrigleyville midfield who led their team while Ward was left exhausted for his efforts for the Piranhas.

Final scores. Wr 11.13-79 LP 6.7-43

There were tense moments after the game as both teams waited for web guru, Oscar, to calculate the final percentages and see who had earned the right to face off with the Tigers. A roar finally arose from the Rhino faithful as it was announced that they had overcome all odds and trumped the Piranhas by 1.8 percent, a difference of 4 points over the season. The Piranhas were devestated but acknowledged that their performance did not deserve a position in the Grand Final.

Wrigleyville can thank outstanding performances from their midfield players who continued to win the ball in the center despite Stacey winning the ruck contests. Rocky Deehan’s efforts to rove off the ruck contest was particularly impressive and set the standard for his team. Forte, who is tipped to be named as coach of Wrigleyville for the final, was dominant at center half forward and made some great moves in matching up on the Piranha stars. For Lincoln Park it was a case of not being able to provide opportunities for their forwards. Drake had named Ehlers as a major worry for the Rhinos but the ball simply did not get to him and it must have been a very frustrating night for the big fella.

This leaves a Lincoln Square versus Wrigleyville Grand Final to be held on Saturday, September 19 at 4:30pm at the usual spot. Both teams have a particular dislike for each other and will be desperate for a win. The match will be largely decided by who is able to get their top players available for a Saturday afternoon game. It will be a classic and one that all of Chicago will be fighting to get tickets for.

Burgmann Fields, IL- Ryan Hayse has led the Lincoln Park Piranhas to a crushing victory in a bruising game at Burgmann Fields almost ensuring a berth in the Metro grand final in a months time. Hayse was unstoppable on the wing for the Piranhas and it was his pace and long kicking that set up many a Piranha thrust and sealed a well deserved victory over the gallant Rhinos friday night.

In a battle that see sawed for three and a half quarters, the Piranhas were able to kick away in the end, running out 21 point victors in a game dominated by the wet weather.

From the Mustard and Fitz led ball up, the game was a hard slog with both teams finding it hard to get a grip on the wet ball and use it properly until the dangerous Roofy broke out of a pack and snapped truly to put the Pirnahas up. The Kaiser in Timmy Herrman, one of the many young guns that will make up the future of Chicago football was instumental in many Rhino forward moves and he was awarded a free kick after a Piranha (probably Al or Betty) took a shining to the Kaisers headband and tried to remove it, along with the rest of his head. His kick from 30 out directly in front sailed through to put the Rhinos up at the break, 1.3:9 to 1.1: 7

The second quarter was a tough affair as the ball became heavier and slippier and players struggled to handle the conditions. The big match ups between BJ and Wolfe in the ruck, Roofy and Disco and Drake and MacGlashan were enthralling as the arm wrestle continued all quarter. The Piranhas looked the better as Hayse and Palmer produced plenty of run with Deri Morgan being particularly effective at the stoppages. For the Rhinos, their backline again held the key to their victory as Scher, Forte, Dorsett, Panek and new recruit Corey held on for dear life against plenty of Piranha attacks. At the half, she was all square with both teams at 1.5: 11 a piece.

Tired bodies huddled up and both Hayse and Drake, fully aware of the games importance urged their charges on to bigger and better things in the premiership quarter. It was the Piranhas that came out firing though. First Nolan McKeegan kicked truly and then when Dougie Fresh slotted through his first, the Rhino faithful started shifting uncomfortably in their chairs as it looked like a case of how far as the Piranha center men started to be very effective and the LP backline with DK, Simon, Cisco and the great wall of MacGlashan all combining to blanket Drake, Morgan and the Kid. A couple of telling overhead marks from Scher and some very gutsy work by both Corey and Disco kept the Piranhas at bay as momentum started to shift towards the end. More good work from Rooster Forte in the middle found a running Kaiser Herrmann whose long bomb found a running Drake. The ball was trapped and some deft moves to get around the hard charging Simon (thank christ they worked, he’s a big boy!!!) was rewarded with a goal. Seconds later, after Wolfe won the tap to Forte, his handball found Rocky whose long bomb found Drake for his second goal of the match and it became anyones game again. At the end of the third the Piranhas held onto the slimmest of leads 3. 8: 26 to 3. 5: 23.

It was a huge tussle in the last as both teams, dead tired and battered and bruised pushed for that goal that would win the game for them. Roofy was finally able to break the Panek stockade and goaled to send the Piranhas further up. The tiring Rhinos found it hard to move the ball as the Piranha big men in MacGlashan, Kastilahn and Gambaro took control setting up many a forward move. Hayses work was finally rewarded with a checkside goal that tore at the Rhinos heart but Dave Worniak was able to seal the victory seconds later when he was able to run into an open goal and potentially thrust his team into the metro grand final against the Tigers.

GOLDEN GOOSE
Not sure, it was either Betty Palmer for getting a dodgey free kick in front of goal and kicking into the man on the mark or Frenchie who kicked the ball 40 yds…. the wrong way.

GREEN JACKET
Nolan McKeegan

It was obvious the business side of the season was upon us as both the Lincoln Square Tigers and Lincoln Park Piranhas attacked the game ferociously at Burgmann Fields tonight. After a mighty final quarter comeback by the Piranhas, they were unable to overcome a large Tiger lead as the Tigers ran away with a 16 point victory.

The evening opened with concern from both camps as to whether they would have an umpire for the game. Thankfully Wolfy showed up and to his surprise, was handed the whistle to take control of 32 angry adult men. With no support in the goals or on the boundary, Wolfy did an excellent job, as did the players on most occasions allowing him to do what he needed to do.

For the first time this year the Piranhas were struggling for numbers and were the first team to be docked points from the scoreboard for not reaching the minimum 12 players. Among those missing from their lineup were Chicago United regulars Benjamin Gambaro and Dougy Malcom. The strength behind the Tiger improvement this year has been the willingness for guys to show up to every game and tonight was no exception. After losing big guns Graham Brennan, Vince Doorhy and Billy Uhlmann, the Tigers were still able to get 19 players to the field and this was a major factor in the victory.

The highlight of the game was the multiple battles occuring around the ground. Poncho and Roofy continued their epic battle with both players providing great service to their team. Pace took on the might of Drewby and Al in the goal square, EP and Stace clashed in the ruck and Frenchy did his best to annoy the hell out of Hazie all game. Lincoln Park was able to borrow Toby, Tim and Tyler from Wrigleyville which allowed for a 14 a side game.

The first quarter was an even affair as both teams fought for the early supremacy. Toby, playing his first game in a Chicago match, showed he has a big future in the Windy City and put the Piranhas up early. This was followed by a Didak major following a strong mark. Didak was continuing his exceptional form and was outstanding at winning the ball in the air and on the ground under immense pressure from his Tiger opponents. Betty Palmer was showing his worth with some courageous marks in defense for Lincoln Park to thwart the forward progress of Lincoln Square. The Tigers fought back with the winning combination for the night, Oscar and Fish, as they both kicked truly. This pair would combine regularly resulting in goals for Lincoln Square.

At quarter time Lincoln Park were 1 point leaders.

The next two quarters decided the game as Lincoln Square was able to constantly rotate players through the bench and over run the hard working Piranhas. EP demonstrated why he is so important to the Tigers displaying excellent foot skills to set up Oscar on multiple occasions for goals. Fitzy, in a best on ground display, also came to the fore during this period continuously thumping the ball forward after receiving creative handballs from the hard working Tiger onballers.

The Piranhas rallied late in the third quarter with some great physical work by team mates resulting in two quality goals from Toby. Tim and Betty were working feverishly in the middle of the ground to reverse the flow of the game away from the Tigers and the momentum appeared to have shifted. The Tigers went into the 3 quarter time break with a sizeable 27 point lead though and it would take an almighty comeback from the Piranhas to make the result go their way.

The final quarter was all Lincoln Park and for a moment it looked like they could pull off the unimaginable. Changes were made with Roofy being moved to the forward line, Didak into the center and big Al playing loose down back. Al was swallowing everything and after his usual five pirouettes and punishment of anybody silly enough to try and tackle him, he drove the Piranhas forward. Suddenly Lincoln Park had winners all over the field. Lincoln Square were not going to let a Grand Final berth slip away from them though and with some great strength, leadership and a steadying goal from Fitzy, the Tigers were able to do enough to make the game safe. Lincoln Park continued to attack until the final whistle but the lead was too much to overcome and after including the 3 point deduction for being one player short, they went down by 16 points.

Both teams could take major positives out of the game. Lincoln Square’s midfield were strong in the absence of their three premium onballers and Oscar Meyer played one of his best games in 2 years. Lincoln Park were missing numerous players and yet were able to put real pressure on a determined and confident side. Didak continued his excellent form which will also please the Piranha faithful.

The result of this game assures Lincoln Square a position in the Grand Final on Saturday, 19 September, and sets up two epic encounters between the Wrigleyville Rhinos and Lincoln Park Piranhas over the next two Friday nights. With both these two teams on equal points and nearly identical percentage, the coaches will be working the phones day and night trying to get their best teams on the park.

FINAL SCORES
L.S. 11.10: 76 def L.P. 10.3: 60 (minus 3 points, 1 player short)