News — metro

METRO GRAND FINAL – SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 18 – 2-4pm – WAVELAND FIELD ON THE LAKEFRONT
Lincoln Square Tigers vs Lincoln Park Piranhas

CHICAGO, IL- The two best teams in the Chicago Metro Competition meet this saturday at Waveland in what will be a magnificent culmination to a magnificent metro season. With three competitive teams fighting it out throughout the season, it all boils down to this one shot at glory for both the Tigers of Lincoln Square and the Piranhas of Lincoln Park.

The Tigers have long been the measuring stick of the Metro Competition and with the their fearless leader in Frank ‘Poncho/fruit and salads’ Bradley back to 100% (relative for him anyway, in fact, according to the Tiger captain, 50% of his body is at 40%, 25% is at 50% and the shoulder is at 10%… add it up people…. that’s 100%, trust me, I am a teacher… and I had Hoyt do the math for me anyway so I must be right!) it augers well for the boys in the famous ‘yellow and black’ to repeat as masters of the field formerly known as Burgmann (has anyone seen him?). Bradley, the heart and soul of the Tigers and a favorite amongst the Tiger Army will be ably supported by United big guns in the Flying Peanut Billy Uhlmann, the equally talented Crackers Brennan, the Brothers Grimm in the Dhoorys, David ‘the leg’ Fitzgerald and Knick Knack Patty Whack McHale. The murderers row of Australian talent is immense with the recently married (hence, this will be a big outing for him) and goal kicking master in Oscar Meyer coming off a bag last outing, the Big Lebowski in Leibowitz (lets hope Yom Kippur doesn’t get in the way) and the streaky Bradshaw making up a threesome of talent not seen since Al’s friend Debbie did Dallas all those years ago (giggity). If the Piranhas can control these talents, there is one name that will have Hayse, MacGlashan and Gambaro shaking in their boots, that of the mercurial Brian Hoyt. On his day he can win a game of his own boot but if the ‘tude’ isn’t there, he can go missing quicker than Whitey in Nashville when a free kick is about to be paid against the Roo Boys. Hoyt could be the key to this game as the Piranhas are sure to put their best back on Meyer leaving the great man a forward line more open to exploitation than a 21 year old lovely at Brownstone with a Matt Palmer or Gordon Ambrosino circling.

The Tigers also boast a ruck trio of the likes not seen on the lakefront since MacGlashan and Spider teamed up for the swans (only to get well beaten by a rampaging Shark outfit lead by spearhead Drake who kicked a lazy 6 that memorable day… and by memorable, I mean I remember it, couldn’t care less if no one else does) but will they show? Jason Wilhelm is the best thing that has happened to football since Nathan Buckley retired and with EP and Trimberger a chance to show, the big boys from the Square will rule the air!! The Tiger runners also prove to be a handful. Led by Tommy Gunn and featuring names such as Harper, Junius, Ortiz, Harris and Grisoni, these guys are the unheralded players that keep the ball rolling for the Tigers and provide that important link when moving the ball forward and stopping opposition backs. Grisoni especially has been a pain in the arse to both Rhino and Piranha forwards as his evolution into an Australian Footballer of quality continues and he has carved out a nice little niche for himself behind the power of Poncho and the Tiger half backs.

The underdog card has been hung around the Piranha neck for a long time. For too long the laughing stock of the Metro Competition in Chicago, MacGlashan and Hayse have put together a fine team using Paddy power to fuel the engine and surprise opposition teams. Their win over the Rhinos where half of Dublin turned up to play for them was a memorable one but this is a grand final and those shenanigans wont fly with Meyer and Bradley (not that Oscar is beyond a bit of slight of hand!). The arguments prior to this game could feature more wheeling and dealing than Vincent Jackson and the Chargers (yep, I picked him in my fantasy league… phark!) and could provide some pre game entertainment for the massive crowd that is expected.

The Piranhas will live and die on the form of their big gun, one Roofy Ward. The boy has not set the world alight this season after his barnstorming heroics of last year and after a guest appearance on the Oprah show its hard to judge where his brain is at. Will Oprah and Stedman be in attendance to worship the ground that becomes freshly hallowed every time he takes a step on it with those size 13 hooves of his? Or will the glitz and glamor be to much for him to handle and he’ll become the next Reggie Bush? MacGlashan had his glimpse of the highlife featuring in GQ and living it up with Hef and the bunnies at Playboy and didn’t get a kick for three months afterwards (he got plenty of kicks that night though!!). MacGlashan will be tutoring his younger protege through the limelight and steering him from the pitfalls that threatened to railroad his career seasons ago. The girls, the drugs, the hangers on like Jay Z, Clooney and Jolie almost led to MacGlashan losing his career, marriage and even life after a drug fuelled bender with Robert Downey Jr. Lets hope the Roof top can handle the pressures of superstardom with more poise and kick a tonne this week against the Tigers who will struggle to match up on him.

The Piranhas Australian talent is impressive with Ward, MacGlashan and Hayse leading the way but their homegrown talent and Irish imports are where the win will come from. Gambaro is amongst the best of the old breed of American footballer. Talented, skillful and exceptionally good looking, he can be the Twins to Hoyts White Sox, the any oppostion team to the Cubs. Eric Zukowski is a raw talent along the Uhlmann lines and will be a star United player for a long time to come. With a mentor that is mentioned along names like Parkin and Barassi, Hendrie has his brother in law playing some quality football. Kastilahn, Fresh, Ehlers, Cisco, Palmer, Morgan, Sweeney are all top quality players but the ace in the Piranha sleeve will be the little Paddy in McKeegan. He constantly kicks goals and his relationship with Roofy (while strained of late as Oprah muscles in) playing the ‘one up, one down’ role to perfection has led to many a Piranha victory. Look for him to have a massive impact on this game.

Who will win this game then and why? My pick is the undefeated Tigers. Too many good players and a backline that will strangle the life out of you. Nothing gets passed Bradley and now with Hoyt and Meyer getting amongst the goals, it looks hard to stop them. Stace Elmore has a massive task ahead of him in the ruck for the Piranhas but the Piranha big boys are more than capable to dominate the airways with Stace, Gambaro, Ward and Big Al providing viable targets all over. But how do you stop Brennan, Uhlmann, Gunn, the Dhoorys and Fitzgerald? I am actually asking… anyone? I tried but couldn’t, Hayse has tried and hasn’t been able to shut them all down at once either. That’s why my pick begrudgingly goes to the Tigers (though would love to see the Piranhas beat the bastards just quietly) and I am going with an 8 point win.

WHO: Lincoln Square v Lincoln Park
WHEN: Saturday, September 18th at 2pm
WHAT: The Metro Grand Final BABY!
PLAYERS TO WATCH: LP: Ward, Gambaro, Zukowski, Elmore, Palmer. LS: Bradley, Brennan, Dhoorys 1 and 2, Gunn, Meyer, Uhlmann
BIG MATCH UPS: Hayse v Uhlmann, Elmore v Wilhelm, Bradley v Ward, MacGlashan v his own hammys, Palmer v Hoyt
VEGAS ODDS: Tigers 3-1, Piranhas 7-1
WHAT ELSE: Rhinos are to supply umpires (I’ll do central). Bring as many of your mates, girlfriends, wives and hangerson as possible and make this a great annual event. We will be all heading to the Brownstone at the end of festivities and watching Rocky push to inevitable glory as he looks to secure the Runaway train with a good 3 hour jump start on the rest of the team as he sits on the sidelines sucking tinnies.

CHICAGO, IL- The headlines in both the Sun Times and the Trib said it all after the big Milwaukee beat down by United “Hayes… O-U-T… O-M-G”. The little champion sustained a broken finger and will (hopefully) miss this massive game against the cellar dwelling Rhinoceros’. He is the biggest name from a long list of players out injured or sucking up to their girlfriends and driving 6 hours to spend some time with her parents in Columbus (no names mentioned here as we have to keep it a secret from Rocky in case he decides to tag along and claim his old pal back). While the Piranhas will be missing Hayse, the Rhinos go in without Forte and Eli Rosen (both forever, tempted by the naked Germans that hang out in all those lovely parks in Berlin), John Scher who has lost his backbone, Tobias Allen (apparently Braz did catch him!!!) and finally Jeremy Morgan but who really cares? The Rhinos have the Kid and he hasn’t been seen for awhile. Rumors abound of a former 400 pounder pounding the southside pavements and it is not Bobby Jenks. Apparently the kid has dropped a lazy 50 lbs and is again beating Oscar in sprints and he will lead a hungry Rhino outfit into battle against the highly fancied Piranhas.

MacGlashan is coming off his best game in nigh on 3 years with his best on ground performance for the Old Guns in the old boys clash over the weekend. Ehlers looked good, if horribly, horribly slow and Betty Palmer will be looking to bust a few heads. Roofy hopefully, wont play but you never know with him do ya? MacGlashan and Hayse have offered a limousine and baby sitter on top of his already hefty salary but this still might not be ebough to tempt him into playing on a rock hard ground in 90 degree temps.

This game has all the hallmarks of an upset. The Piranhas have the experience, the height, the Paddys and one Nolan McKeegan but without Hayse, they could be the proverbial ship without a rudder. The Rhinos have…., well, given more time I am sure to think of something… got it… the better looking outfits! The Rhinos have a surprise, an ace up the sleeve, a dum- de- dum… a ringer! Not gonna say much more apart from the lad is from Maryknoll, a beautiful town of 23 people, 300, 000 sheep and 500, 000 cows and triple that in Kangaroos. A statue of our lady greets weary visitors who curse the dirt road that takes you up to Maryknoll so you know it is a lovely spot….. forgot to mention the 9999999999999999, 99999999999, 99999999999913 bloody Mozzies that inhabit the area too. Anyway, I have a ringer… or do I? Is this mrely a ruse to get MacGlashan worried? Unless its Chris Judd or Matty Richardson himself, how can one man even help the Rhinos. Lets see……… Gore Gore Gore!

Piranhas by 10 goals

DETAILS:
WHERE: Waveland Park, Waveland and LSD
WHEN: Fri, July 16th at 6pm
WHO: LP Piranhas v WV Rhinos
WHAT ELSE: Tigers to supply umps and hopefully lots of beer coz its gonna be hotter than Rockys arse after a night in the slammer with his old mate ‘Bubba’… Al told me mate, tough break. Here you are still friends on facebook though? That’s nice.
BIG MATCH UPS: Ward v Disco, Drake v Ehlers, Blundell v Palmer
WHO TO WATCH: LP: Ward, Fresh, McKeegan
WV: Hattery, Stenger and Blundell… the form player in the competition

CHICAGO, IL- This week marks the return of Metro footy to Chicago’s magnificent shoreline as the Piranhas get to take another shot at runaway flag favorites, the bustling Tigers of Lincoln Square.

Magnificent in their perfect season thus far, the Tigers certainly got a scare last game as Forte and the Rhinos took it right up to them, losing by under a straight kick in what was the game of the season thus far. The Tigers were a tad undermanned for that one and it will be interesting to see who lobs for the black and yellow this friday in the moist Chicago heat that it rolling in off the plains.

The Piranhas are yet to hit their straps but are also coming off a victory over the Rhinos in another close one. They boast Roofy, Gambaro, Hayse and MacGlashan and a ragged band of Irishmen that can turn a game in mere seconds. The Toddy Holmberg like Ciaran Sweeney is a huge talent and his last up effort was hopefully a sign of things to come for Hayse and the Piranhas. Other Piranhas to put their hands up include Pedro, Zukowski, Gallagher and Walsh who will be well supported by veterans Palmer, Ehlers, Deri Morgan, Kastilahn and the Mini Keg on two legs Nolan McKe(e)gan. The Piranhas certainly have the team to beat the Tigers but can they put it together? Their backline is probably their biggest worry as between McKeegan, Ward, MacGlashan and co they can pile on plenty of goals. The mids in Hayse, Sweeney, Isadore, Fresh and the renegade master Stacey Elmore can at least hang with the highly fancied midfield of the Tige’s that is a who’s who of United Football in Brennan, Dhoory x 2, Gunn, Leibowitz and the best of them all in Willy Uhlmann who is coming off a B.O.G effort against Cincinnatti in which he racked up over 40 possessions (2 of which hit their target just quietly).

The Tigers are a force but their leader and inspiration will most likely be missing from this line up in Francis Bradley who has popped the shoulder yet again (Hendrie popped his again meaning Hendrie still leads the ‘popped shoulder’ contest 75 to 62). The Tiges will be looking for the mercurial Wilhelm to take on Elmore in what, if it pans out, will be a great match up in the ruck. Elmore with the experience, Wilhelm with the looks and form. The Tiger backs were shown up at times by Wrigleyville and their forward line is not that scary but with Fitz, Dhoorys and Hoyt running through the lines, goals can come in a hurry as Fitz showed against the Rhinos in that magnificent third quarter a few weeks back. Hoyt could be a player to watch in this game though. He presented magnificently time and again against Cinci but had a case of the yips that had even Ian Baker Finch feeling sorry for him. Hoyts return of 2 marks from 33 attempts and 1 goal 23 points will be talked about for a long time but it must be pointed out that he did get to the ball and was a credible target for Uhlmann, Hayse, Leibowitz and the United midfielders. Look for Hoyt and Hayse to be duking it out at some stage as Hoyt looks to get even for some interesting comments during the course of the United triumph!

This game, I am predicting, will be a romp by the Tigers. Ward is unlikely to play after Forte broke his ribs in an incident that would seem normal if Rocky were involved but alas he was chasing fire trucks somewhere. The Tiger midfield will be too hot to handle for Hayse and with Oscar coming back as well as Wilhelm and Burgmann (kidding), the Tigers will be too strong, too big, too quick for the aging Piranhas. Tigers by 5 goals.

WHEN: Friday, June 11th @ 6pm
WHERE: Waveland Park, CNR LSD and Waveland Aves
WHO: Lincoln Park Pirnahas v Lincoln Square Piranhas
WHAT ELSE: WV Rhinos to supply umpires and hecklers and beer (gonna be hot)
KEY MATCH UPS: Elmore v Wilhelm, Hayse v Uhlmann, Gambaro v Meyer, Roofy v Poncho (in terms of beers drank on the sidelines), Hoyt v wooden hands, MacGlashan v desire to quit and go to the pool and suck tinnies coz of the bloody heat, Fitzgerald v McKeegan
KEYS TO THE GAME:
Tigers: Covering Poncho and getting the ball to the midfielders
Piranhas: Hoping Billy, Crackers, Fitz, Leibba, Gunn and the Dhoorys don’t turn up. Getting Elmore and Sweeney to play.