News — grand final


Official Chicago AFL Grand Final Party 0

The CAFA presents…

For those coming along tonight, your names are on the door but bring your paypal receipt for confirmation… oh and save some room in those belly’s for an Aussie Meat Pie!! The night is shaping up to be a great event so wear your teams colours.. cheer them on and hopefully win a return trip to Australia!

When: Friday 24th September, 2010 – 9PM
Where: Brownstone Tavern & Grill (3937 N. Lincoln Ave. Chi-Town)
Cost: $20 Bones via the link below or $30 at the door (200 Tix Limit, so hurry!)

Portion of proceeds go towards “Project Relentless”…our fundraising campaign for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.

Entry includes drink and food specials, 1 raffle ticket per entry with chance at 2 round trip tickets on QANTAS to Australia as well as other CA$H Prizes, Chicago United Commemorative Event beer coozy/stubbie holder, and other door prizes.
The Chicago Australian Football Association will once again be hosting Chicago’s only OFFICIAL AFL Grand Final party. As the season rounds up back in Australia there are a number of contenders for the cup… Can the Pie’s do big Al proud? Will Freo bounce back from losing their gun in Barlow? What supplements are the Bulldogs taking as they surge into the top four? The only thing for certain is that this is one Grand Final that the Tigers won’t be attending!

FULL COVERAGE AND AUDIO….Over a dozen LARGE TV screens….the whole place is ours!!!

The winners of this years Qantas AFL Grand Final Raffle are:
1st Prize – 2 x Return tickets to Australia from QANTAS
2nd Prize – $500 – David Ortiz
3rd Prize – $300 – Paris Kent
4th Prize – $100 – Curt Munk

Lincoln Square Repeat 0

Lincoln Square repeat their season from last year, winning the Grand Final 10.7 67 to 5.9 39 against the Lincoln Park Piranhas. Great game… write-up on its way.


Team Q1 Q2 Q3 Q4 Final
Tigers 0.0.0 0.0.0 0.0.0 10.7.67 10.7.67
Piranhas 0.0.0 0.0.0 0.0.0 5.9.39 5.9.39
Goals Tigers: Meyer (5), Bradley, Uhlmann, Hoyt B, Gizynski T, Brennan
Piranhas: McKeegan (2), Matt NewGuy, Malcolm, Ward
Best Tigers: None
Piranhas: None

Tiger Sharks to School Piranhas 0

Lincoln Square Tigers vs Lincoln Park Piranhas

CHICAGO, IL- The two best teams in the Chicago Metro Competition meet this saturday at Waveland in what will be a magnificent culmination to a magnificent metro season. With three competitive teams fighting it out throughout the season, it all boils down to this one shot at glory for both the Tigers of Lincoln Square and the Piranhas of Lincoln Park.

The Tigers have long been the measuring stick of the Metro Competition and with the their fearless leader in Frank ‘Poncho/fruit and salads’ Bradley back to 100% (relative for him anyway, in fact, according to the Tiger captain, 50% of his body is at 40%, 25% is at 50% and the shoulder is at 10%… add it up people…. that’s 100%, trust me, I am a teacher… and I had Hoyt do the math for me anyway so I must be right!) it augers well for the boys in the famous ‘yellow and black’ to repeat as masters of the field formerly known as Burgmann (has anyone seen him?). Bradley, the heart and soul of the Tigers and a favorite amongst the Tiger Army will be ably supported by United big guns in the Flying Peanut Billy Uhlmann, the equally talented Crackers Brennan, the Brothers Grimm in the Dhoorys, David ‘the leg’ Fitzgerald and Knick Knack Patty Whack McHale. The murderers row of Australian talent is immense with the recently married (hence, this will be a big outing for him) and goal kicking master in Oscar Meyer coming off a bag last outing, the Big Lebowski in Leibowitz (lets hope Yom Kippur doesn’t get in the way) and the streaky Bradshaw making up a threesome of talent not seen since Al’s friend Debbie did Dallas all those years ago (giggity). If the Piranhas can control these talents, there is one name that will have Hayse, MacGlashan and Gambaro shaking in their boots, that of the mercurial Brian Hoyt. On his day he can win a game of his own boot but if the ‘tude’ isn’t there, he can go missing quicker than Whitey in Nashville when a free kick is about to be paid against the Roo Boys. Hoyt could be the key to this game as the Piranhas are sure to put their best back on Meyer leaving the great man a forward line more open to exploitation than a 21 year old lovely at Brownstone with a Matt Palmer or Gordon Ambrosino circling.

The Tigers also boast a ruck trio of the likes not seen on the lakefront since MacGlashan and Spider teamed up for the swans (only to get well beaten by a rampaging Shark outfit lead by spearhead Drake who kicked a lazy 6 that memorable day… and by memorable, I mean I remember it, couldn’t care less if no one else does) but will they show? Jason Wilhelm is the best thing that has happened to football since Nathan Buckley retired and with EP and Trimberger a chance to show, the big boys from the Square will rule the air!! The Tiger runners also prove to be a handful. Led by Tommy Gunn and featuring names such as Harper, Junius, Ortiz, Harris and Grisoni, these guys are the unheralded players that keep the ball rolling for the Tigers and provide that important link when moving the ball forward and stopping opposition backs. Grisoni especially has been a pain in the arse to both Rhino and Piranha forwards as his evolution into an Australian Footballer of quality continues and he has carved out a nice little niche for himself behind the power of Poncho and the Tiger half backs.

The underdog card has been hung around the Piranha neck for a long time. For too long the laughing stock of the Metro Competition in Chicago, MacGlashan and Hayse have put together a fine team using Paddy power to fuel the engine and surprise opposition teams. Their win over the Rhinos where half of Dublin turned up to play for them was a memorable one but this is a grand final and those shenanigans wont fly with Meyer and Bradley (not that Oscar is beyond a bit of slight of hand!). The arguments prior to this game could feature more wheeling and dealing than Vincent Jackson and the Chargers (yep, I picked him in my fantasy league… phark!) and could provide some pre game entertainment for the massive crowd that is expected.

The Piranhas will live and die on the form of their big gun, one Roofy Ward. The boy has not set the world alight this season after his barnstorming heroics of last year and after a guest appearance on the Oprah show its hard to judge where his brain is at. Will Oprah and Stedman be in attendance to worship the ground that becomes freshly hallowed every time he takes a step on it with those size 13 hooves of his? Or will the glitz and glamor be to much for him to handle and he’ll become the next Reggie Bush? MacGlashan had his glimpse of the highlife featuring in GQ and living it up with Hef and the bunnies at Playboy and didn’t get a kick for three months afterwards (he got plenty of kicks that night though!!). MacGlashan will be tutoring his younger protege through the limelight and steering him from the pitfalls that threatened to railroad his career seasons ago. The girls, the drugs, the hangers on like Jay Z, Clooney and Jolie almost led to MacGlashan losing his career, marriage and even life after a drug fuelled bender with Robert Downey Jr. Lets hope the Roof top can handle the pressures of superstardom with more poise and kick a tonne this week against the Tigers who will struggle to match up on him.

The Piranhas Australian talent is impressive with Ward, MacGlashan and Hayse leading the way but their homegrown talent and Irish imports are where the win will come from. Gambaro is amongst the best of the old breed of American footballer. Talented, skillful and exceptionally good looking, he can be the Twins to Hoyts White Sox, the any oppostion team to the Cubs. Eric Zukowski is a raw talent along the Uhlmann lines and will be a star United player for a long time to come. With a mentor that is mentioned along names like Parkin and Barassi, Hendrie has his brother in law playing some quality football. Kastilahn, Fresh, Ehlers, Cisco, Palmer, Morgan, Sweeney are all top quality players but the ace in the Piranha sleeve will be the little Paddy in McKeegan. He constantly kicks goals and his relationship with Roofy (while strained of late as Oprah muscles in) playing the ‘one up, one down’ role to perfection has led to many a Piranha victory. Look for him to have a massive impact on this game.

Who will win this game then and why? My pick is the undefeated Tigers. Too many good players and a backline that will strangle the life out of you. Nothing gets passed Bradley and now with Hoyt and Meyer getting amongst the goals, it looks hard to stop them. Stace Elmore has a massive task ahead of him in the ruck for the Piranhas but the Piranha big boys are more than capable to dominate the airways with Stace, Gambaro, Ward and Big Al providing viable targets all over. But how do you stop Brennan, Uhlmann, Gunn, the Dhoorys and Fitzgerald? I am actually asking… anyone? I tried but couldn’t, Hayse has tried and hasn’t been able to shut them all down at once either. That’s why my pick begrudgingly goes to the Tigers (though would love to see the Piranhas beat the bastards just quietly) and I am going with an 8 point win.

WHO: Lincoln Square v Lincoln Park
WHEN: Saturday, September 18th at 2pm
WHAT: The Metro Grand Final BABY!
PLAYERS TO WATCH: LP: Ward, Gambaro, Zukowski, Elmore, Palmer. LS: Bradley, Brennan, Dhoorys 1 and 2, Gunn, Meyer, Uhlmann
BIG MATCH UPS: Hayse v Uhlmann, Elmore v Wilhelm, Bradley v Ward, MacGlashan v his own hammys, Palmer v Hoyt
VEGAS ODDS: Tigers 3-1, Piranhas 7-1
WHAT ELSE: Rhinos are to supply umpires (I’ll do central). Bring as many of your mates, girlfriends, wives and hangerson as possible and make this a great annual event. We will be all heading to the Brownstone at the end of festivities and watching Rocky push to inevitable glory as he looks to secure the Runaway train with a good 3 hour jump start on the rest of the team as he sits on the sidelines sucking tinnies.

Tigers Feast on Rhino Carcass

Tigers Feast on Rhino Carcass 0

Chicago, IL- The barnstorming Tigers of Lincoln Square have won the 2009 Metro Grand Final after completely demoralizing an undermanned and completely shellshocked Rhino outfit that still can barely sit down due to the pain emanating from its hind quarters.

From the outset it was going to be a big ask of the Rhinos with Scher, Ambrosino, Kia Forte, Aussie Mike, Kansas Hattery, Bashford, Crash Borchardt and the OBK missing from the line up and a full strength Tiger outfit that was snarling from the outset.

With Big Al and Hendrie taking umpiring duties in front of a handy crowd on a lovely Chicago day, the ball was bounced and play got under way. The next 80 minutes were as scary for the Rhinos as any poacher hiding in a bush with a high powered rifle. The middle was where the Rhinos were going to have a chance with new ruckman Nick Redmond feeding Drake, Deehan and Herrmann. The plan was to take out Dhoory and Brennan and apply as much pressure to the tiger backs as possible. The plan failed.

The Tigers controlled the midfield, especially at the stoppages and were running rampant. The rhino backs were under the pump immediately and despite their best efforts, Fish Dhoory was a huge spark for the Tigers and kicked two big ones to open proceedings. These were followed up with a lovely goal from the flying peanut in William Uhlmann who was back to some of his best form, a great sight for United selectors. Joey Trimberger continues to get better and better and his size across half forward was yet another thorn in the Rhino side and after he hauled in a grab from an errant Brian Hoyt kick, he went back and kicked the Tigers fourth. With runners everywhere and a backline that was dominating the few Rhinos that were down there, it appeared a long day ahead was ahead for the Wrigley lads… it soon got longer. Just before the qtr time siren, Aussie ring in Tobias went down when the old hammy went “cablammy” rendering him as useful as the proverbial tits on a bull. To rub some salt in the wounds, Oscar Meyer got a late one to almost kill the game in the first 20 minutes.

At quarter time, The Tigers had shot out to lead 5. 3: 33 to 0. 0: 0 and Wrigleyville went looking for an answer, any answer.
The second stanza delivered more of the same as the Tigers had winners all over the ground and it became harder and harder to find Rhinos that could win the ball. With a backline that was tiring, the Rhinos tried everything but to no avail. Oscar Meyer in particular smelled blood and began to feast on a lovely Rhino dinner that was being cooked medium well by Brennan, the Dhoory’s, Uhlmann, Fitz and everyone else in yellow and black. Frenchie was on fire and Hoyt was getting a tonne of it and they all helped Meyer kick 3 for the term. Tommy Gunn kicked another and even Hoyt got in on the action and kicked truly to pour on the misery for the Rhinos and effectively kill the game. The Rhinos had no answers and could not muster a point for the quarter and at the half, the Tigers led by 69 (giggity) points, 10.9: 69 to 0.0: 0.

Pride was the only thing on the line now as the Rhinos took the field. A dressing down at the half had the desired effect and a much more committed Rhino team actually managed to take a bit of control and almost win the quarter. Herrmann, who was easily the Rhinos best was getting a lot of the ball and along with Clarke and Deehan they managed to slow the easy ball gets by the Tigers. Drake went to the forward line and Wolfe into the ruck and as the rhino staged a counter attack. Tobias, despite being on one leg was able to snap truly twice and start the rhino scoring. For the Tigers, who were resting their main charges by now, Brennan managed to kick his first to match his BOG effort and the Warrick Capper look-a-like got his 5th. At the orange break, the Tigers led 12. 12: 84 to 2.0: 12

The final quarter was another close affair as the Tigers continued to win plenty of the ball and their backs, namely Poncho Bradley went looking for goals. Highlight of the game may possibly be Ponchos sensational kicks on goal, one of which somehow ended further away than it started, winning him the coveted Golden Goose. Fitz was also pushing forward and bagged himself a goal and Fish Dhoory netted another two before the Rhinos got their third through a dashing Sammy Blundell. When Clarke found Drake on the death nell, his kick sailed through the big sticks to notch up his first (goal and possession). With the siren ending a disappointing day for the Rhinos, the Tigers went into celebration mode with cars being flipped and naked worms everywhere.

To the victor the spoils and it was a dominant Tiger team that after a slow start to the season got their shit together and steam rolled the competition. Their mid field is electric and their backs dominant. The only question mark hanging over their heads was the form of their forwards but that has been put to bed with a final score of 14. 14: 104 to 4.0: 24. The Rhinos can take away a solid second half which showed a bit of guts on their part but at the end of the day, the Rhinos were lucky this wasn’t a bigger margin. Their grand final may have been played in their big win over the Piranhas.

After the game, a very happy Mustard De Jong paid homage to his charges stating “beauty mate, farken great stuff. Everyone put in, from the flamboyant frog to the flappin’ fish and the crabs and worms in the middle, everyone was on fire and it was a great finale to a great year of metro footy”.

A devastated Paul Drake refused comment preferring to have Morgan attend the post match press conference. All Morgan had to say was “what the hell just happened?”

All players are asked to continue their recruiting efforts over the off season and come back bigger, better and stronger for season 2010. The United squads results have proven beyond doubt the effectiveness of a strong metro competition. Our aim is to one day have 5 metro teams up and running but for now, three independantly strong teams is a bloody good effort and a tribute to the hard work being done by all. The CAFA (and especially Wrigleyville) is sad to say goodbye to two of the most promising American recruits in their team in the form of Timmy Herrmann who is off to Dallas and Glenn Clarke who prefers the sands of Iraq and Afghanistan to the golden shores of Lake Michigan. We all wish him the best as he dons the famous Marines uniform.



Team Q1 Q2 Q3 Q4 Final
Tigers 5.3.33 5.6.36 2.3.15 3.2.20 15.14.104
Rhinos 0.0.0 0.0.0 2.0.12 2.0.12 4.0.24
Goals Tigers: Meyer (5), Doorhy J (4), Uhlmann, Trimberger, Hoyt B, Gizynski T, Fitzgerald, Brennan
Rhinos: Allen T (2), Drake, Blundell
Best Tigers: Meyer, Doorhy J, Trimberger, Hoyt B, Fitzgerald, Brennan, Doorhy V, Perry, Marthouret
Rhinos: Blundell, Wolfe, Hermann, Clarke
Umpire MacGlashan, Hendrie

Crackers Brennan

Frank Bradley

Piranha Feeding Frenzy at the Lake. Katie Witnesses Husbands Goal 0

Burgmann Fields, IL – The Lincoln Park Piranhas, on the back of a 6 goal B.O.G effort by the Dangerous (Lethal!) Dave Allen have run away with the 2008 Metro Premiership in stunning fashion, leaving the hapless Tigers to lick their wounds as they look for answers in the offseason. Big Roofy was an irresistable force up forward, Big Stace dominated the midfield and the danger man for LP, Dave Allen, was stunning around the ground as the Piranhas did whatever they felt like after quarter time to run out winners 16.12: 108 to 6.4: 40

The game started positively for the Tigers with the birth of Jackson DeJong, a future first round draft choice in 16 years which was followed by an amazing goal by big Pace who…. now let me get this right because those assembled still can’t believe it….. read the ball magnificently off the pack and in the middle of the ground gave a handball in board and still running, demanded it back. He looked up and saw Hoyt with 3 Piranhas on him so, I’m not kidding here, took a bounce and dashed off in a manner belying the dodgey knees and extra couple of pounds around the girth. Luckily for him and the Tigers, the big fella didn’t realise the fleet of foot Hayse was behind him and he continued his forward advance and from 75 (well, 40) out went BANG and to everyones surpirse, most of all big Pace’s, the kangaroo skin sailed through the uprights. Wild celbrations broke out as MacGlashan lost his breakfast on the wing, classic stuff indeed!
Minutes later and Tommy Gun kicked another for the Tigers and all of a sudden it looked like the highly paid Australian mercenaries (more commonly known as Lincoln Park) were in trouble but they were able to steady and through a dominant midfield where Stace was winning every tap and giving his rovers first use, blokes like Haysie, Isadore, Deri, Fresh and of course the Dangerous one began running riot. Successive goals to Dave Allen showed that he was the dangerman for the Piranhas as Oscar tried everything to stop him to no avail. Isadore slammed on one for himself from the flank that brought the sizeable crowd to their feet and the Piranhas went into the first break with a 3.5: 23 to 2.1: 13 lead that, if Roofy had have kicked straight, could’ve been a lot more.

The Tigers continued to frustrate the Piranhas in the second as they constantly forced the ball forward through Oscar, Tommy Gun, Ortiz and the quiet Billy Uhlmann and a sleu of new faces including Dan, James, Billy and Brendan who all showed enough throughout the game to make the heads at Burgmann Towers very happy. When Oscar kicked a classic Oscar goal, ignoring three handballs and a lone Hoyt in the goalsquare, the lead was cut back to a kick and Al again began to sweat as his lunch looked unsure of staying in that magnificent gullet of his. Enter the dangerous Dave Allen , whose goal was a highlight reel classic and put the “ha” back in Piranha. Isadore followed up with another and Roofy finally broke the seal with two towering mark and goals that set the lovely Ness alight and sent Oscie fleeing onto the ground to congratulate his dad. While there, Oscie decided to sniff a few things, hump the odd leg and when he started gnawing on the OBK leg, enough was enough and he was banished back to his sideline setting where he refused to stay for long, taking off to take a dump on the bike track seconds later. At the half, the Piranhas had extended their lead to 7. 7: 49 to a brave Tiger outfit 3.2: 20 who were still in the hunt if they could get the slightest of murmurs out of their forwards.

The third quarter was more of the same however. Mighty Joe was given the task of taking on Roofy and despite giving away three feet in height, had until now done a commendable job, aided by Roofy having a case of the “Burgmanns” (How many times have I mentioned him thus far? I think I’ve reached the enforced quota? Incase not, here’s one more… Burgmann is shouting us all this Friday night as he apparently won $15K at Arlington Race track… or somewhere…. and the fact he no longer works at Bowmans means nothing, don’t read anything into it. Nothing untoward occurred and this column will not be privvy to the spreading of any salacious rumours and innuendo of any ‘funny’ business!!). Anyway, Roofy had a case of the ‘Burgmanns’ (strewth, I mentioned him again…. if anyones interested in chatting to Waz, his address has changed to thus “Warrick Burgmann, C/O Dept of Corrections, Cook County Gaol, California Ave, Chicago IL” Visiting hours are 9am to 12pm and 5pm – 7pm.) Anyway, where was I? Ok, yep, Roofy was kicking rather poorly considering his high standards but he was able to start the rout in the third breaking free to nail his third (haha, “nail”) and set the Piranha faithful alight. The Tigers knew Dave Allen was going to be a danger to them going in but they couldn’t cover his arse and he snagged two more for the quarter, one a bomb from 55 out after a lovely mark. Haysie continued his great form in front of goal and kicked an absolute ripper over the shoulder. We all missed his celebrations though as all eyes turned to Katie who signalled us yes, finally, that she’d seen that goal and as we turned back to see Haysies celebrations we all realised, frustratingly, that we’d missed most of them.

Perhaps the games highlight came in this quarter though. It wasn’t the amazing goals of Hayse and the increasingly Dangerous Dave Allen, it wasn’t the attempted hanger by Al that saw him get half way up Joes ankle and come crashing, comically one may say, to the turf flat on his back, no the real highlight was the up til not now not mentioned Brian Hoyt. Needing 6 majors to win the MacGlashan medal, our Brian hadn’t had a touch thus far but finally he gathered and kicked towards goal from about 50 out. The goal square was vacant and the umpire was already signalling a goal but enter journey man Bradice, who did the even more famous Burgmann (there’s that name again) move and took the mark on the goal line to deny Bozo the goal and bring the crowd and players into raptures as Hoyt crashed to the ground in tears. For the Tigers, and the record, Bradice did kick the goal, his first kick for the game also. At the orange break, Lincoln Park had the game in the bag, 11.10: 76 to 4.4: 28 and it was now how far and how long could the Piranhas keep Dave Worniak from cracking the famous Miller Lites.

The Tigers ran the game out but where totally overwhelmed. Isadore put a crushing tackle on Hoyt that he will feel for the next few days which pleased everyone. Oscar kicked another as did Bradice for the Tigers but at the other end, it was curry time as Piranhas ran amok. Dave Allen showed that he was a dangerous player by kicking his 6th. Dougie Fresh added another and Haysie got another pearla that was, sadly, missed by the wife who was now more interested in watching Vanessa trying to corral Oscie who had taken an interest in golf and was now humping a nice Hispanic mans golf buggy on the 4th hole at the Marovitz Golf Course, much to the chagrin of his playing partners.

Roofy, ignoring pleas from his wife to “come pry your bloody dog off this poor mans buggy”, kicked his 4th and the rout was complete when a sober Dave Worniak, ignoring the game and on his way to grab a Miller Lite, stumbled over the ball as it lay motionless in the goal square thus soccering in the final major of the game. The final whistle of the season, blown by umpire K.O.G.S, sounded the start of wild celebrations across north Chicago as the once embarassing Piranhas stormed to their first flag. MacGlashan, the man behind the scandalous recruiting at the start of the season, proclaimed proudly ” It was all me you Ku#nts. I took this team and made it what it is, you all owe me beer”. As the Piranhas threw Worniak and Katies empties at him, DK took hold of the cup, wrestled it from the amorous clutches of Oscie and rose it aloft, signalling the season of the Piranha.


Team Q1 Q2 Q3 Q4 Final
Piranhas 3.5.23 4.2.26 4.3.27 5.2.32 16.12.108
Tigers 2.1.13 1.1.7 1.2.8 2.0.12 6.4.40
Goals Piranhas: Allen D (6), Ward (4), Hayes (2), Isadore (2), Worniak, Malcolm
Tigers: Meyer (2), Bradshaw (2), Gizynski T, McCormack
Best Piranhas: Allen D, Ward, Hayes, Isadore, Morgan D, Elmore, Kastilan
Tigers: Meyer, Gizynski T, McCormack