Rampaging Rhinos Rout Tigers

Burgmann Fields, IL- They’re baaaaaack! Lead by B.O.G Gordon Ambrosino and with huge games from stalwarts Plant, Wolfe and Miller, the Wrigleyville Rhinos sounded an alarm to the rest of the competition that they would not be denied what is rightfully there’s in an 83 point demolition of the hapless Tigers on Friday night.

The Rhinos went into the game minus Ash Johnson, Matt Henzel and Toddy McClamroch but regained strongman Drew Wolfe (lazy) and the speed and tenacity of Ambrosino (brain). The depleted Tigers, still reeling from the losses of Biggs (fatherhood), DeJong (knees) and inspirational and legendary leader Burgmann (constantly drunk) also lost the enigmatic Hoyt (probably drunk) and Frank Bradley (definitely drunk). Gun midfielder Tommy gun was mounting some chick called rainier or it may have been climbing Mt Rainier, not sure as my info on that is a bit scratchy but as he is a Tiger, let’s assume he was doing it drunk shall we and get on with the footy. Their final insult was the loss of marksman Oscar Meyer but no one knows what happened to him but we assume the worst and hope the soap wasn’t to slippery and could be ‘picked up’ quickly and without incident.

From the bounce, a pumped up Rhino outfit who until now remained in the cellar with no wins from a lot of attempts and with lots of questions being raised around Wrigleyville such as “oooooo, I love that cutey Wolfe, wonder when he’ll come out of the closet?” and “oh darling, you just must see Jeremy clean shaven, he’s to die for. I wonder when that tra&p Marci will smell the tighty whiteys and let me at him grrrr darling” needed a big win.

As the ball hit the deck the first time, Miller burst through the center square and delivered a ripper pass to Drake who duly went back and nailed his first of the day playing at full forward. Big Spider followed suit kicking two lovely goals from distance and when John Scher kicked a pearla from a free kick for a push in the back 25m out and on a tight angle, the Rhinos were looking the best they had since their McNaughton hallcyion days of 2006. At the first break, WV led 4.1: 25 to the Tigers who hadn’t bothered the scorers thus far.

Miller didn’t want a repeat of the debacle against the Piranhas and kept pushing his charges on as Mustard searched for answers amongst the hugely inexperienced Tigers (5 first gamers brought down mainly by Crackers, great effort indeed). The height of Drake and Spider was troubling as Betty Palmer, despite giving away inches to both of them (in more places than one may I add!), tried his heart out down back without much support. The Rhinos had Crackers tagged by Beau Rodgers who was doing a great job and Hayse and Uhlmann were being well held also enabling the Rhinos to control the ball through Scher and Wolfe in the middle and the backline was on fire with Miller, Morgan, Kastilahn and a soberish Worniak having free reign and getting great run. A very interesting battle was forming between the recently returned Tiger tough man Bradice and renaissance man for WV in Panek with the latter getting the votes thus far.

The second quarter saw the tigers start to get things moving with Uhlmann in particular getting far more of it but despite many forward thrusts, they were unable to break the Mike Panek led embargo going on on the last line of defense. The Rhinos were able to turn defense into attack and when Dave Worniak found Drake 30 out on the boundary things looked tough as he played on and goaled to send the Rhinos further in front. Big Spider, after some great play from Miller and co down back found Drake on a long lead and his third made the Tigers look out of it in the shadow of half time. Beau Rodgers was able to sneak one through as the traffic all started to head towards Wrigleyville. The Tigers finally got on the board when Bradice was able to break through the suffocating Panek and goal just before the half to send the tigers in, down by 35 points, 7.2: 44 (nice change from last time) to 1.3: 9.

After the half it became the Gordon Ambrosino show as his blistering pace became to much for the inexperienced Tiger boys to control. He was able to kick two for the quarter, the second of which was a classic crumbers goal ala Kevin Barlett as he read the ball off the hands of Spider and at full tilt kicked truly from 40 out. Big Spider was also getting amongst the goals and he kicked his third from a strong grab. The tigers continued to battle hard as big Andrew in the ruck showed a lot of promise as did Martin around the packs and vince tried his best to come to terms with a 7 ft spider and a brand new game. The Tigers were able to pepper the goals but the pressure from Wrigley was splendid and old hands Hayse, Sebastian and Crackers were unable to kick truly. At the end of the third, WV held a commanding 10.3: 63 to 1.7: 13 lead and looked to rub further salt into the Tiger wounds.

The final stanza started with Ambrosino kicking his third after Rodgers, who was having the better of Crackers by this time, found him on the flank and he was able to play on quickly and go bang from 30 out. Next in line was Drake who was able to wrap young Vince up in a tackle that was rewarded by umpire Tony (who did a wonderful job just quietly) and he slotted through number 4 for the afternoon and all of a sudden it was raining goals as Mustard looked on helplessly. But the Rhinos, beaten mercilessly often by the tigers, found the opportunity to give some back irresistable and Beau Rodgers, playing one of his best games of the season kicked a great goal on the run to put the stampeding Rhinos further in front. The final goal summed up the Rhinos day magnificently. Miller from the backline popped it over to a hard running Scher who found Wolfe who took a bounce and found Drake on the lead. Wolfe kept running, his opponent didn’t and that enabled Hecta to pop the old Sherrin over the top to Wolfey who unselfishly handballed over Betty Palmers head to an anxious OBK who sauntered into goal, dropped the footy, picked it up again, ran the wrong way and then slipped as he kicked it and the ball did a Shane Warne wrong un’ and somehow went through the two big sticks setting off wild celebrations from the Kid not seen in years. From the north end of the stadium, he has run around the tennis courts made famous by Mischa and Jacko, taken the jumper off to reveal the removalists brace thing he wears as he waves the famous powder blue above his head so vigorously that he actually leaves the ground at one point. He then high fives the 20 strong crowd, steals Haysies beers and then high fives every car heading north on LSD. He climbs a goal post after giving the fiance a massive snog and a slap on the arse and then after a ceremonial jump in the lake goes to his knees and points to the sky like the big Z! Realising a goal of this magnitude could not be made possible by just one god, he then faces north and pulls out a carpet and bows the head towards mecca. Sitting back cross legged, he pours gold paint on himself and rubs his guts in tribute to Buddha and the last time he was seen, he was knitting a tallis, trying to grow a full beard and ringlets and was learning hebrew! We all left however, when he pulled out the # 25 jumper along with 25 candles and 25 VB’s and a photo of Warrick Burgmann and started rubbing his nipples.