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1 September, 2008 | Metro Round 9

TIGERS GIVE RHINOS THE 'FITZ'

Burgmann Fields, IL
And so it was and so it shall be. The Tigers have barnstormed their way into the Metro Grand Final with a solid win over a struggling Rhinos team that gave absolutely everything but in the end, to no avail. The Rhinos were undermanned again but gallant in defeat as the Tigers recruiting staff wheeled out another couple of future champions in B.O.G Fitzy and runner up B.O.G Vince, both of who put the Rhinos to the sword with the help of Fish, Crackers Brennan and stalwart Poncho who was unstoppable again in defence.

The game started with 10 a side and moved to 11's when the dangerous Drew Wolfe appeared for the Rhinestone Cowboys. Extremely well umpired (Biggsy could only be heard once for the whole game giving advice) by Ryan Hayes (sadly, Katie was more interested in the ice cold 312's on the sideline and missed his great performance), the game started with Drake marking nicely about 40 out on a slight angle between the two big 'P' men in Pace and Poncho and slotting home his first for the day. The Rhinos continued to attack the ball with great work rate from stalwarts Jezza and Funky and when Drake gathered 30 out on the boundary he looked to send the Rhinos further in front but an 'illadvised' handball to the kid alone in the square was fumbled and Poncho was able to recover (after 8 more Rhino fumbles!) and set Bad Boy Billy alight on the wing. His ensuing goal on the trot was a classic and gave the Tigers a 3 point lead at the first change, 1.4: 10 to 1.1: 7.

Rumours abounded about a return of Big Guns in Burgmann for the Tige's and McCoombe for the Rhinos but after the club wasted $1500 on a marching band and cheerleaders (not to mention the 3 Philipino strippers) to welcome them back, rumours were all they turned out to be so the two teams continued to slog it out with both missing several top line players.

The tigers gained the ascendancy in the second with Fitz having a field day off the half back flank. His play was spectacular and only spoiled by a couple of bad shots on goal which would have put this game to bed at the half. Poncho was magnificent and Brennan and Fish were having field days on the ball. Art, Frenchie and Vince were getting tonnes of it and the Rhinos looked stuffed as they chased Tiger tails all over the park. Up forward, danger men Biggs and Hoyt were being well held by Mr Reliable in Disco Panek, first gamer Adam who was having a ripper of a game and Mike who were keeping the Rhinos in it. Hoyt finally broke through for his first with a soccer off the ground and then successive goals to Crackers and Fish further frustrated Miller and his Rhinos who were unable to worry the scorers except for two behinds. At the half, a beaming Mustard welcomed his Tigers 4.7: 31 to WV 1.3: 9

Miller appealed for much more from his Rhinos at the half and with a renewed and sobered John Scher were able to reply in kind. Scher and Tyrekos were able to get more of the footy and support Morgan and Funk who were giving everything along with a rejuvenated Wolfe. A bomb from Tyrekos was marked in a pack by Drake who got a classic case of the Burgmanns and from 35 out (ok, 5) missed a sitter to the delight of Poncho. His next chance came seconds later when he swooped on a ball 30 out and running toward the boundary snapped a ripper on the left foot and went into wild celebrations. His jumper off, arms in the air and victory lap were spoiled though by umpire Hayse who thought he'd have a laugh at the coach and get himself a position on the bench in Milwaukee by giving the one finger slaute and giving it a point, once again to the delight of Poncho.

The Rhinos kept attacking though and a minute later, some good work down back by Adam again found Miller who's deft pass found Drake on a lead and finally the ball went through the two big ones and the Rhinos were coming home with a wet sail. At the orange break, LS hung on 3.8: 32 to WV 2. 6: 18 and the last quarter was going to be a ripper as the Rhinos looked to keep their finals hopes alive and the Tigers looked to play spoiler.

The Rhinos were again first out of the blocks but Drake was being well held by Pace and an unmanned Poncho kept the Rhinos at bay until Wolfe burst through the middle and found Drake on a lead, 40 out and on a slight angle. He slotted home the quarters first and the Rhinos were all of a sudden one kick down. Tyrekos was gettin gplenty of the ball and when a bomb into the open Rhino forward line found the Kid by himself all hell was cutting loose on the Tiger bench as the Kid marked and played on into an open goal and went "BANG" to even the scores with 5 minutes of classic footy to go.

It was classic football as both teams threw everything they had at the ball. Fitz and Vince continued to defy the Rhinos midfielders and Uhlmann finally started to come alive as the Tigers swung momentum their way and if not for some poor kicking at goal, could have sewn the game up but as it was, Morgan was able to run out of the backline and find Miller who went further afield to Drake who copped a nice one around the chops from Pace. As Poncho argued the call with MacGlashan, Drake was able to play on and have a bounce (first in 15 years just quietly) and run into an open goal and put the Rhinos in front for the first time since his first kick in the first quarter. The Rhino crowd was abuzz as Katie popped her 5th 312 on the sideline and Haysie realised tonight was his turn to drive the new Chevy Aveo home. Mustard was throwing moves left, right and center as the Tigers tried to come back against a determined Rhino outfit that ceded 3 points for lack of numbers and had had the better of the Tiger forwards and with minutes to go, it was still anyones game.

The Tigers through Brennan and Fish were able to continue to dominate the middle after Wolfe copped one high and went to la la land. The Tigers attacked and low and behold, the spoiler in Pat's brother Brian pops up with a big grab in front of Mike. His ensuing shot was called wide by Hayse (possibly after having one of katies 312's?) who made up for the earlier indiscretion against the Rhinos but it still evened the scores and made the last two minutes a literal free for all. The Rhinos tried in vain but couldn't get the ball forward and the Tige's were starting to run over them as they found the mercurial Hoyt who went back and went BANG to put the Tigers a goal up. After that, the tigers ran out the final seconds to condemn the Rhinos to a futile season and a winter of soul searching. The Tigers, buoyed by a big second quarter were too strong and the Metro GF looks to be a classic as they will welcome back Oscar, Tommy Gun and a sleu of others including, possibly, Warrick Burgmann. For the Rhinos, a look at their list suggests a very good team but too few carried too many and changes will have to be made. Pick ups in Mike, Mike Tyreko, John Scher, Adam and the great form of Disco Panek were soured by the loss of playmakers Plant, Johnson, Ambrosino, McCoombe, Leblanc and the disappearance of Rhino legend McClamroch. Some soul searching ahead at Miller towers but with first pick in next years draft, expect big things from the Rhinos (especially if another Dangerous Dave Allen pops up).

The Tigers are the real deal though and fully deserved their win. Fitz put a smile on the United selectors dials and Vince was outstanding. Poncho gave them plenty and when the game was on the line, veterans in Uhlmann and Hoyt were able to stand up and be counted. Good games out of Ortiz, Frenchie, Biggs and Fish helped and they eventually ran out winners 5. 10: 40 (+ 3 points bonus = 43) to 5. 7: 37.

BEST:
LS: Fitz, Poncho, Vince, Fish, Crackers
WV: Miller, Morgan, Adam, Mike, Mike Tyrekos

GOALS:
LS: Hoyt 2, Uhlmann, Fish, Crackers 1
WV: Drake 4, OBK 1

BURGMANN MEDAL
3- Fitz   3- Miller
2- Drake   2- Fitz
1- Vince   1- Poncho

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18 August, 2008 | Metro Round 8

PIRANHAS SEAL GRAND FINAL BERTH IN THRILLER

Burgmann Fields, IL
What an exciting time to be involved with the Chicago United Football Club! In a game which could have swung either way right up to the final siren it was the Lincoln Park Piranhas who prevailed by 6 points over the desperate Lincoln Square Tigers.

Both teams went into the match missing many of their big guns and were fighting just to get the required amount of players to constitute a team. With players of the caliber of McGlashan, Ward, Palmer, Didak, Morgan, Ehlers and Monaco for Lincoln Park and Burgmann, Meyer, Uhlmann, Morrissey, Biggs, Gizynski, Bradshaw and de Jong out for Lincoln Square, the game could easily have deteriorated into a schamozzle but the determination of both teams raised the game to a high level. In the end the pollish and experience of the Piranhas was the deciding factor over the handball and hard running of the Tigers.

The first quarter began with the Piranhas firing as Disco Panek had two early shots on goal from in front. Unfortunately Disco's goal kicking woes continued and both shots tumbled through for behinds. The trend continued for Lincoln Park as the pressure from the Tigers' backline resulted in just four behinds for the quarter. Grisoni was having his best game for the year leading his inexperienced backline with great support from proud new dad Ortiz.

As the young Tigers found their feet they began to move the ball quickly and were rewarded with a classic goalsneaks goal to Ambrosino to give the Tigers the lead at the end of the first quarter. The danger signs were there though with Dangerous Dave Allen, despite the close attention of the Doorhy brothers, getting plenty of the ball as was big BJ Gambaro in the ruck.
First Quarter- Lincoln Park 0.4:4, Lincoln Square 1.1:7

The second quarter was again tight with the surprisingly dominant backline of the Tigers being the determining factor in them once again winning the quarter. Dan Thompson was having a colossal battle with Dan Kastilahn at full forward and with the help of the ever elusive Outback Kid was able to score his first for the game. The Piranhas responded quickly through Dangerous Dave's Aussie mate before the Tigers kicked the team goal of the year. Starting in the back pocket the ball was worked cleanly out of the backline through Fitz and Frank Bradley before some tremendous running from brothers John and Vince Doorhy resulted in Vince hammering home his first ever Aussie Rules goal.

The second quarter finished with the Tigers on top due to hard work down back and a willingness to run and support each other. Despite outscoring the Piranhas though, Allen, Gambaro and Phil Cisco were getting plenty of the ball and with the ball driven into their forward line so often into an inexperienced defense, only time would tell before the Pirahnas got on top.
Second Quarter- Lincoln Park 1.4:11, Lincoln Square 3.3:21

The flood gates opened for Lincoln Park in the third quarter as, despite captain Bradley's best efforts, Allen, Gambaro and Ryan Hayes took control of the game. Lincoln Square found it difficult to get the ball past center half forward and the constant pressure resulted in three goals for the Piranhas. Within the first 7 minutes of the quarter another of Dave's mates kicked a goal in his first Aussie Rules outing followed by a goal to ex United player, Brad Lanikonis, returning to Chicago for Deri Morgan's wedding. Hayes capped off a productive period of play for his team with what he does best, breaking away from the pack to kick a goal on the run from distance.

After the move of Thompson out to center half forward the Tigers forced their way back into the game but despite peppering the goals for the rest of the quarter were unable to achieve anything more than four behinds. The cool and experienced heads of Lincoln Park had put their team in front and it looked ominous for the Tigers with one quarter to go.
Third Quarter- Lincoln Park 4.6:30, Lincoln Square 3.7:25

The final quarter was an absolute cracker with both teams determined to put their stamp on the game. It was a torrid tussel as players were throwing their bodies into every contest trying to turn the game in their teams favour. The game appeared over when Allen received a free kick and a 15m penalty from Anthony, who did an outstanding job umpiring, and kicked truly. Allen's hard work and tackling were a highlight of his match and he deserved the resulting goal.

This was followed by a brilliant snap over his shoulder from deep in the forward pocket by Hayes. Unfortunately for Hayes and despite his efforts to impress his wife, Katie, with brilliance, she refuses to pay attention at the crucial time.

With just three minutes remaining and the match looking all but over, the crowd began heading for the turnstiles in the hope of beating the traffic out of the car park. In a stunning revival though the Tigers were able to kick two goals in a minute from Thompson's thousandth contested mark and Ambrosino who was having a purple patch in a continuation of some excellent recent form.

Tensions were high in the last two minutes of play as the ball sat in the Tigers forward line. Ambrosino was electric and was livid with a disallowed mark withing scoring range. A roving shot at goal, also by Ambroso, with just seconds to go tumbled out of bounds and the game was lost for Lincoln Square. Lincoln Park had won a game they probably deserved to win but it was a tribute to the inexperienced and Aussieless Tigers how close they were able to get to the premiership favourites.

Dave Allen and BJ Gambaro were everywhere for the Piranhas constantly forming a solid wall across their half forward line and then pushing forward when required. Frank Bradley continued his sensational season with a herculean performance for the Tigers. There was not a poor performance from anybody on his side and with more games under their belt, this team could be anything in the future.

Final Scores: Lincoln Park 6.7:43 def Lincoln Square 5.7:37

BEST:
Piranhas: D.Allen, B.J.Gambaro, P. Cisco, R.Hayes
Tigers: F.Bradley, Fitz, S.Grisoni, D.Thompson, Brian

GOALS:
Piranhas: 2 - R.Hayes, 1 - D.Allen, B.Lanikonis, Dave's Aussie Mate, Dave's American Mate
Tigers: 2 - D.Thompson, G.Ambrosino, 1 - V.Doorhy

BURGMANN MEDAL
3 - F.Bradley   3 - BJ. Gambaro
2 - D.Allen   2 - Fitz
1 - S.Grisoni   1 - D.Allen

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5 August, 2008 | Metro Round 7

RAMPAGING RHINOS ROUT TIGERS

Burgmann Fields, IL- They're baaaaaack!
Lead by B.O.G Gordon Ambrosino and with huge games from stalwarts Plant, Wolfe and Miller, the Wrigleyville Rhinos sounded an alarm to the rest of the competition that they would not be denied what is rightfully there's in an 83 point demolition of the hapless Tigers on Friday night.

The Rhinos went into the game minus Ash Johnson, Matt Henzel and Toddy McClamroch but regained strongman Drew Wolfe (lazy) and the speed and tenacity of Ambrosino (brain). The depleted Tigers, still reeling from the losses of Biggs (fatherhood), DeJong (knees) and inspirational and legendary leader Burgmann (constantly drunk) also lost the enigmatic Hoyt (probably drunk) and Frank Bradley (definitely drunk). Gun midfielder Tommy gun was mounting some chick called rainier or it may have been climbing Mt Rainier, not sure as my info on that is a bit scratchy but as he is a Tiger, let's assume he was doing it drunk shall we and get on with the footy. Their final insult was the loss of marksman Oscar Meyer but no one knows what happened to him but we assume the worst and hope the soap wasn't to slippery and could be 'picked up' quickly and without incident.

From the bounce, a pumped up Rhino outfit who until now remained in the cellar with no wins from a lot of attempts and with lots of questions being raised around Wrigleyville such as "oooooo, I love that cutey Wolfe, wonder when he'll come out of the closet?" and "oh darling, you just must see Jeremy clean shaven, he's to die for. I wonder when that tra&p Marci will smell the tighty whiteys and let me at him grrrr darling" needed a big win.

As the ball hit the deck the first time, Miller burst through the center square and delivered a ripper pass to Drake who duly went back and nailed his first of the day playing at full forward. Big Spider followed suit kicking two lovely goals from distance and when John Scher kicked a pearla from a free kick for a push in the back 25m out and on a tight angle, the Rhinos were looking the best they had since their McNaughton hallcyion days of 2006. At the first break, WV led 4.1: 25 to the Tigers who hadn't bothered the scorers thus far.

Miller didn't want a repeat of the debacle against the Piranhas and kept pushing his charges on as Mustard searched for answers amongst the hugely inexperienced Tigers (5 first gamers brought down mainly by Crackers, great effort indeed). The height of Drake and Spider was troubling as Betty Palmer, despite giving away inches to both of them (in more places than one may I add!), tried his heart out down back without much support. The Rhinos had Crackers tagged by Beau Rodgers who was doing a great job and Hayse and Uhlmann were being well held also enabling the Rhinos to control the ball through Scher and Wolfe in the middle and the backline was on fire with Miller, Morgan, Kastilahn and a soberish Worniak having free reign and getting great run. A very interesting battle was forming between the recently returned Tiger tough man Bradice and renaissance man for WV in Panek with the latter getting the votes thus far.

The second quarter saw the tigers start to get things moving with Uhlmann in particular getting far more of it but despite many forward thrusts, they were unable to break the Mike Panek led embargo going on on the last line of defense. The Rhinos were able to turn defense into attack and when Dave Worniak found Drake 30 out on the boundary things looked tough as he played on and goaled to send the Rhinos further in front. Big Spider, after some great play from Miller and co down back found Drake on a long lead and his third made the Tigers look out of it in the shadow of half time. Beau Rodgers was able to sneak one through as the traffic all started to head towards Wrigleyville. The Tigers finally got on the board when Bradice was able to break through the suffocating Panek and goal just before the half to send the tigers in, down by 35 points, 7.2: 44 (nice change from last time) to 1.3: 9.

After the half it became the Gordon Ambrosino show as his blistering pace became to much for the inexperienced Tiger boys to control. He was able to kick two for the quarter, the second of which was a classic crumbers goal ala Kevin Barlett as he read the ball off the hands of Spider and at full tilt kicked truly from 40 out. Big Spider was also getting amongst the goals and he kicked his third from a strong grab. The tigers continued to battle hard as big Andrew in the ruck showed a lot of promise as did Martin around the packs and vince tried his best to come to terms with a 7 ft spider and a brand new game. The Tigers were able to pepper the goals but the pressure from Wrigley was splendid and old hands Hayse, Sebastian and Crackers were unable to kick truly. At the end of the third, WV held a commanding 10.3: 63 to 1.7: 13 lead and looked to rub further salt into the Tiger wounds.

The final stanza started with Ambrosino kicking his third after Rodgers, who was having the better of Crackers by this time, found him on the flank and he was able to play on quickly and go bang from 30 out. Next in line was Drake who was able to wrap young Vince up in a tackle that was rewarded by umpire Tony (who did a wonderful job just quietly) and he slotted through number 4 for the afternoon and all of a sudden it was raining goals as Mustard looked on helplessly. But the Rhinos, beaten mercilessly often by the tigers, found the opportunity to give some back irresistable and Beau Rodgers, playing one of his best games of the season kicked a great goal on the run to put the stampeding Rhinos further in front. The final goal summed up the Rhinos day magnificently. Miller from the backline popped it over to a hard running Scher who found Wolfe who took a bounce and found Drake on the lead. Wolfe kept running, his opponent didn't and that enabled Hecta to pop the old Sherrin over the top to Wolfey who unselfishly handballed over Betty Palmers head to an anxious OBK who sauntered into goal, dropped the footy, picked it up again, ran the wrong way and then slipped as he kicked it and the ball did a Shane Warne wrong un' and somehow went through the two big sticks setting off wild celebrations from the Kid not seen in years. From the north end of the stadium, he has run around the tennis courts made famous by Mischa and Jacko, taken the jumper off to reveal the removalists brace thing he wears as he waves the famous powder blue above his head so vigorously that he actually leaves the ground at one point. He then high fives the 20 strong crowd, steals Haysies beers and then high fives every car heading north on LSD. He climbs a goal post after giving the fiance a massive snog and a slap on the arse and then after a ceremonial jump in the lake goes to his knees and points to the sky like the big Z! Realising a goal of this magnitude could not be made possible by just one god, he then faces north and pulls out a carpet and bows the head towards mecca. Sitting back cross legged, he pours gold paint on himself and rubs his guts in tribute to Buddha and the last time he was seen, he was knitting a tallis, trying to grow a full beard and ringlets and was learning hebrew! We all left however, when he pulled out the # 25 jumper along with 25 candles and 25 VB's and a photo of Warrick Burgmann and started rubbing his nipples.

Final Scores:
Wrigleyville 15. 7: 97 def Lincoln Square 1. 8: 14

BEST:
WV: Ambrosino, Plant, Scher, Miller, Panek, Wolfe, Beau, OBK
LS: Vince(new), Crackers, Billy, Paul (new), Andrew (new), Martin (new)

Goals:
WV: Ambrosino, Drake 4, Plant 3, Rodgers 2, OBK, Scher 1
LS: Bradice 1

BURGMANN MEDAL
3- Ambrosino   3- Ambrosino
2- Wolfe   2- Drake (fark off all of you, I didn't do the votes!)
1- Panek   1- Crackers

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22 July, 2008 | Metro Round 6

THE CHANGING OF THE GUARD

Burgmann fields, Chicago IL- For some it was a sad day, for others it was wonderful to see how our great game continues to evolve in our great city as Wrigleyville, led by the once dominant and unstoppable force of Mark Jackson bowed before the new tyrant, the dangerous Dave Allen and his Piranhas.  For those present, there is not much argument that if the dangerous Allen didn't show up, the Rhinos win this game by 10 goals.  Even with him the Rhinos should have won but as they say in the classics, "bad kicking is bad football" and Funky will be a distraught soul after his Rhinos continued to defy logic and lost another heart breaker last friday.

The game started with a stacked Rhino team applying all the pressure.  Jackson was back from South America and gun recruit Spider Plant was back in the famous powder blue.  The Rhinos attacked with gusto but kicking for goal was atrocious and when Spider finally got one on line, that was stopped by the Kid who smelled and easy one but dropped the grab and watched horrified as it trickled over the line.

At the other end, a very bored MacGlashan and Drake squared up on each other with new Rhino gun John Scher taking Monico on in the pocket.  While Al and Scher were having a smoke around the tennis courts, the ball finally came down and low and behold, a tinny bounce lands straight into the arms of Monico who is 20 yards behind the play doing his hair and he kicks truly to totally piss off everyone there, except his adoring sister of course.

The play continues to be dominated by the Rhinos but fat lot of good it did them as on the next Piranha foray forward 10 minutes later, Monico marks and after looking for MacGlashan and not finding him (he was teaching Drake how to change dirty diapers behind the goals by this time), sprays a shot off his boot and finds his big, goofy brother in law standing there picking his nose and the ball miraculously lands in his hands and he kicks the Piranhas second of the quarter to totally humiliate the Rhino forwards. At the first break, LP 2.1: 13 led WV 0.5: 5 (not a typo)

The second quarter mirrored the first as Wrigleyville, in complete control of the game, continued to assume that the ever dangerous Dave Allen was in fact a goal post and constantly aim their kicks at him in the hopes the bastard would get a nasty bout of leather poisoning and piss off!  But alas it was not to be and the Piranha dangerman raked in a good 345 possessions for the quarter, all on the last bloody line of defence. In the middle for Wrigleyville, Ash Johnson was getting plenty of it and the 2 soccer boys in Crackers Brennan and Tommy gun were on fire and it was Crackers who finally slotted one through for the Rhinos.  The two times it went down the other end the Piranhas scored majors with Dan Thunder Thompson soccering one through and Billy popping up for a nice goal as well as the search for MacGlashan and Drake continued. At the half, the Piranhas led WV 4.5: 29 to 1.7: 13 (still, not a typo)

A pissed off Funky Miller threw Drake down to full forward after he and Al got back from the game of tennis they were having. MacGlashan went into the center (or wherever he wanted pretty much) and the Piranhas tried to turn the screws as the Rhinos tried to claw their way back into contention.  Drake got the first of the quarter with a lovely handball from Crackers leaving BJ stuck in no mans land. The Rhinos continued to attack and were rewarded with a lovely goal to Tommy gun who is showing that he could be an important player for many a year for the United team. When Drake marked over the top of Gambaro and kicked the Rhinos third for the quarter, worrying sounds started to eminate from the bowels of Al MacGlashan (those who have shared a room with him on trips will know this sound).  But his impending kidney stone was put on hold for a bit as Thunder banged home his second to give the Piranhas some breathing space.  At the orange break, LP led 5.7: 37 to WV 4.10: 34 (seriously, 4.10!) and a classic last quarter was on the cards.

The Rhinos until now had certainly had the better of the Piranhas and had run hard all day but after throwing everything they had at them at the start of the final term, the Piranhas saw out the storm and then started banging on goals as a desperate Rhino team struggled to hold on.  The danger man for LP, Dave Allen kicked his first to send the Piranhas further in front but his second, a classic snap on the left foot across the body (from a guy whose kicking style Burgmann earlier referred to as "a drunken horse trying kicking an octopus underwater while evading a shark") was the poachers bullet to the Rhino heart and despite the amazing efforts of Panek (on Roofy), Scher (on half their team), Brennan and Funky Miller, the mighty Piranhas continued their march to September glory, even without the services of LP guns Kastilahn, Deri Morgan, Palmer and le presidente.

Final Scores
LP 7.9: 51 def WV 4.12: 36 (not a typo)

GOALS:
LP: Allen, Thompson 2, Roofy, Monico, Uhlmann 1
WV: Drake 2, Brennan, Tommy 1

BEST:
LP: Allen, Thompson
WV: Panek, Miller, Scher, Brennan, Tommy, Johnson, Morgan, Jacko (not really but he needs a good story to take on the road with him)

BURGMANN MEDAL VOTES
3- Allen   3- Allen
2- Panek   2- Panek
1- Funky   1- Funky

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27 June, 2008 | Metro Round 5

PITILESS PONCHO PUMMELS PIRANHA PRIDE... PERFECTLY!

Burgmann Fields, IL - I told you those Tiger bastards would win didn't I? I almost got the Hoyt kicking the sealer while being tackled by Beau too.... but Hoyt missed and Beau couldn't get near the great man and to the chagrin of DK, neither could any other Piranhas as Hoyt led the Tigers to a classic victory over the flag favorites of Lincoln Park.

The Tigers are hot and have unleashed several gun players this year, just in time to replace big guns Biggs, Burgmann and DeJong and this game was no different as the tigers welcomed in Tommy Gun, whose first up game was bloody fantastic and along with Crackers Brennan, Grisoni, Billy and Oscar late, were able to put enough pressure on the Piranha prime movers to nullify them and to inturn get enough of the kangaroo skin to keep the flamboyant Hoyt in business.

The Tiger backline was where it was won though. Poncho is in absolute rare form (was Saturday night to... just ask Al. Definitely 3 votes there Poncho old son... he made Dave Worniak look sober as a judge!) and completely took apart MacGlashan and then made Roofy look silly before going back to big Al. He was very ably supported by BOG Nemo playing his last game, meaning DeJong and the Tiger brain trust have another big name to replace.

We all expected the Tiger backs to have an effect but with the very gifted midfield of the Piranhas and their massive aerial power, all assembled were just waiting for them to take control, maybe play with the Tige's a bit, say a bit of a spit and then a swallow and maybe spit again before really going for the head but it wasn't to be. The trixies started well enough and nailed the first after a HUGE grab by Brian Monico in front of his adoring sister who did a magnificent job keeping score just quietly....... yet another thing Roofy has taught her to do well apparently! OI! Anyway, back to the footy. Monico kicked his first and sadly for him, it was to be his last kick of the day because the Tigers started to roar (another trick roofy apparently has taught Vanessa.... never mind, back to the footy). Playing his best game thus far, Fish was able to blind step the Dangerous Dave Allen and kick goal of the day to open the Tiger account and this was followed up by a classic crumbers goal by Arnaud Mathieut and then a glimpse of classic Hoyt with a mark out front and goal completely upending the drunken sailor in Dave Worniak whose dad was apparently passed out and snoring by this time on the sidelines. At the first break, Tigers had shot out 3. 1: 19 to lead the Piranha army, 1.0: 6

Perhaps the turning point of the game came in this quarter. The Piranhas hit back harder than Dave Worniak at a bottle of Miller Lite and were able to add two through the dangerous Davey Allen and gun winger Ryan Hayse (I was watching, your missus didn't see it I'm afraid) whose bomb was a classic and one for the highlight reels. Big Al decided it would be prudent to remove Crackers Brennans head and then when Oscar went down with owie, powie popped the shouldie, two big Tiger guns lay dormant on the ground but to their credit, both rose like the phoenix and Oscar went on to snag the last two of the quarter to set the game alight with scores at 5.3: 33 to LP's 3.0: 18

Macglashan went nuts at half time and demanded much more from his charges as Poncho wondered how he was going to hang on with big names falling like an Enron audit. He need not fear however, for himself and last gamer Nemo were superb in the premiership quarter and try as they may, there was no breaking the Tiger 'D' until Monico got a hotly debated (I know cause I made the call, Poncho wasn't happy with me, hence the sucking up I'm doing in this report... the guys bigger than me and you know what those Irish lads get like after a few drinks!) goal after soccering the bad boy through. Crackers Brennan showed up to snag a late one for the Tigers as the crowd anxiously awaited the last quarter, with the Tigers maintaining a 6.5: 41 to 4.1: 25 lead that looked shakier than Mustards knees. The massive crowd of 17 (and Oscie of course but he was away annoying 2 lovely young ladies that were playing frisbee on Montrose beach by this time) held their breath as they waited for the Piranha onslaught which came immediately. The Dangerman in Dave Allen was getting plenty of the ball but his kicking let him down as repeated forays forward were shut down by twin DYNAMO's Nemo and the great man we all know and love as Poncho and the boy wasn't letting the occasion go by as he was heard repeatedly telling Big Al how many marks he'd taken over him thus far. The Tigers finally weathered the storm that was the Piranha come back and then went on and put them to the sword. First Oscar kicked a bomb from an out on the full decision and then the guy that loves the limelight the most, shone brighter than his knob in St Louis last year (I saw it boys!) burst through a pack and went BANG over the shoulder to put the game away giving the mercurial Brian Hoyt (Pat's brother) 2 more for the arvo and entrench himself at the top of the coveted MacGlashan Medal. In the end, the Tigers managed to run away with one of their best victories winning 8. 9: 57 to 6. 2: 38.

BEST:
LS: Poncho, Nemo, Oscar, Fish, Hoyt, Tommy (new bloke, mates with Crackers... great bloody game son!)
LP: Allen, Isadore, Hayse, Fresh

GOALS:
LS: Oscar 3, Hoyt 2, Brennan, Mathieut, Fish 1
LP: Monico, Allen 2, Roofy, Hayse 1

BURGMANN MEDAL
3- Poncho   3- Tommy
2- Nemo   2- Poncho
1- Hoyt   1- Allen

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17 June, 2008 | Metro Round 4

FOR TIGERS, IT'S AS EASY AS ABC.

Burgmann Fields, Chicago: The Chicago Tribune said it best, "Another Brennan Classic!"

MacGlashan, one of the greatest footballers to come out of Corio Bay, simply shook his head in amazement as Graham 'Crackers' Brennan delivered murderous blow after murderous blow to the underbelly of the Rhinos in a B.O.G performance that belied his inexperience in the great game of Australian Rules Football. MacGlashan, considered by many to be the greatest south paw to ever play the game in the United States was speechless as he watched an inexperienced soccer player take apart the famous powder blue in a game that was hard fought from the outset but the class of the Tigers shone through in the end.

The Rhinos were 1 player short and started the game 3 points down after a great show of force from Lincoln Square, just like the Tigers of old. Despite this, the rhinos were able to jump the Tiges and took the lead early after sustained pressure lead to a great first up goal for little Matty Henzel, the nuggety ex Hooker from Brissy. But as the quarter went on, the Tigers were able to turn the momentum and put the Rhino backs under some huge pressure as big guns Nemo and Poncho started to run wild with Brennan, Oscar and Billy getting kicks at will through the center. Dan 'Thunder' Thompson got a very iffy free kick but made the most of it with a nice goal and when Hoyt accepted a lovely handball from Johnno and duly bagged his first, the Tigers had their arses up and the Rhinos looked in trouble.

Brennan continued to dominate and he was able to break clear and kick LS's only goal of the second quarter with a nice bomb from 40 out on the trot. The Rhinos, as they have repeatedly done, were not to be denied however and they hit back magnificently. Drew Wolfe was finding a lot of the ball, Mike Panek had shut down Thompson, John Scher in his second game was starting to frustrate the fancied Tiger forwards and a ripper of a contest was occurring between the in form Brian Hoyt and the Coach as the Rhinos started to get moving, creating the run out of the backline they have become famous for. Gordon Ambrosino was en freakin' fuego and without Ash Johnson was flying the flag for the Rhinos in what was his best game thus far and equalled Brennans workrate for the Tigers. The repeated attacks of the Rhinos lead to a nice Bretty Isadore goal and at the half, 3.5: 23 led WV 2.3: 15 and it was anyones game.

The premiership quarter was a hard fought affair with both backlines on top. Hoyt was able to break the shackles and kick a cheeky goal before getting another iffy in the back decision which he went back and slammed home for his second of the quarter. Despite repeated forays forward, Nemo, Poncho and the Tiger backs stood tall and shut out the Rhino forwards to send the Tigers into the final quarter 21 points up but with Ambrosino on fire for the Rhinos, there was still hope.

Hoyt went into the ruck to curb the great game Wolfe was playing and Drake went forward to see if the shackles could be broken down there and after Jezza Morgan finally got in front of Pace and goaled on the run, it was a nervous Tiger sideline as the Rhinos continued to apply pressure. The Tigers finally were able to break the back of the Rhinos however with two great goals by Oscar Meyer who had been magnificently tagged by Matty Henzel but the Tiger runners were to good and despite Rhino efforts, were able to dominate in the last part of the quarter. Uhlmann shone bright, Oscar was terrific but it was Brennan that had United fans cheering for the old glory days of the Swans as he looked like big Al MacGlashan running through the middle and kicking bombs after beating three opponents and having a few bounces. The only difference between these two is that Crackers has a right foot. On the other side of the ball, Gordo continued his fantastic game and gave his all to the Rhino cause but it was the Tiges that eventually ran out winners, condemning Wrigleyville to their worst start in 3 seasons, 7. 8: 50 to 3. 6: 24 (-3pts = 21).

FINAL
LP: 7.8: 50 - WV: 3.3: 21

BEST:
LP: Brennan, Billy, Nemo, Poncho, Oscar
WV: Ambrosino, Wolfe, Henzel, Scher

GOALS: LP: Hoyt 3, Oscar 2, Brennan, Thunder 1
WV: Morgan, Henzel, Isadore 1

AWARDS:
Bottomless mug: Gordo, Hat: OBK, Shirts: Isadore and Billy

BURGMANN AWARD:
3- Brennan   3. Gordo
2. Gordo   2. Brennan
1. Uhlmann   1. Uhlmann

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20 May, 2008 | Metro Round 3

PIRANHAS POWER TO TWO IN A ROW

Burgmann Fields, Chicago, IL - In a season of first of's, the Lincoln Park Piranhas have won two on the trot after outlasting a very gallant Wrigleyville Friday night at Burgmann Fields.

In what was another great turn out by both teams (no team docked points), this game had it all and was a terrific example of Australian Football. The Piranhas went into the game red hot favorites despite the losses of Coach Kastilahn and guru, Al MacGlashan. The Rhinos were without Henzel (groin) and played a very injured Funky Miller against doctors orders. The Rhinos drafted in gun tiger midfielder Brennan and welcomed in first gamers Lance and the nuggety John Scher. The Piranhas borrowed Nemo and if more evidence was needed to prove that everything is going the way of the Trixies this year, they also unleashed gun ruckman Brian Dodds from god only knows where. LP welcomed back el presidente Drewbie (also from god only knows where) and Betty Palmer finally showed up as well to let us all know he was still alive.

The game started tough and went that way the whole game. As mentioned in the keys to the game, the Rhinos had to shut down the big Australian contingent of the Piranhas and all was going well for the boys from Cubsville as their midfield with Gordo, AJ and Wolfe were having the better of Allen, Rogers, Dobbs and Palmer. Ambrosino especially was giving the goldies plenty to think about and after some very smart moves, was able to bang home the first for the game. Not long after, and on 1 leg, funky miller out bustled his man to take a nice grab and even more interestingly, actually kick truly while being propped up by two branches from a nearby tree. The Rhinos, always a strong, committed team were looking dangerous and repeated forays forward by LP were to no avail as they kicked poorly due to the enormous pressure being brought to bear on them as the Rhino defense stood very strong against the big man Roofy, the fiesty Didak, el presidente and Isadore. A shitty bounce cost them though as Ehlers was able to kick a goal laughing as Drake was bamboozled by a Shane Warne like wrong un'. At the first break, it was all squared up, WV 2.0: 12 v LP 1.6: 12

Roofy was able to open proceedings in the second after a cheap handball over the top allowed him to run into an open goal and put LP in front but from then on, the Rhinos took control as they dominated through the middle and down back. Morgan at center half forward was very active and the move of Spider onto Roofy enable Drake to start legging it out of the backline and with McClamroch and Johnson getting plenty of run, things were looking good for the Rhinos. Scher was on top of Didak, Lance and poor vision by the Piranha backs were keeping Hayse out of the game and Brennan and Ambrosino were keeping 'dangerous' Dave Allen cold. Morgan was able to mark and goal for his first and Ambrosino capped off some Rhino magic to snag his second and send the Rhinos into the half 5 points up after a dubious shot on goal after the siren by Dobbs was called a point. WV 4.0: 24 v LP 2.7: 19

The feeling was good in the Rhino camp as they came out looking to press home their advantage over the highly paid LP team. LP swung the moves trying various people up forward to break the blockade but it was a sneaky little kick by Beau Rogers that got the Piranhas going and evened the scores. The Piranhas were starting to move the ball better as Dave Allen and Dobbs started to wear down the Rhino on ballers in Brennan, Wolfe and Johnson who after bad injuries to Hoyt P (shot by a sniper behind the grassy knoll... classic stuff if you happened to see it) and Ambrosino (whole body), were unable to change. The game got willing as heavy clashes were the order of the day as players threw themselves at the ball in every contest with the Piranha pride being shown by a ripper of a hit from Bretty Isadore on Drake that saw the latter flying higher than his wife in college. Neither team could break through though as the wind and staunch defences ruled the day. The Rhinos finally broke through and after some magnificent play from Morgan and McClamroch, hit the left tit of Funky 10 meters out but in a Golden Globe classic moment, old Funky decided to play on and the ensuing kick from 5 yards out dead in front missed by 20 yards and the Rhinos were left to rue the fact that OBK's head didn't get in the way of that errant shot. At the orange break, LP led 3. 9: 27 to WV 4.1: 25.

The last quarter was going to be a pearla and it didn't let the large crowd of 12 down. Didak put the first nail in the Rhino coffin as he finally broke the John Scher/ Mike Panek shackles and goaled to put the Piranhas 8 points up and the Piranhas were sniffing a victory. They continued to pepper the goals but it was Morgan at the other end who put the points on the board after running onto a loose ball and kicking a great, Burgmannesque (CAFA bylaws state Waz must be mentioned in each write up) goal 40 meters out on the run which bought the Rhino faithful to its feet.

Players continued to give their all as the Rhino backline, under enormous pressure tried in vain to keep the Piranhas out. The Piranhas helped out with some more poor kicking for goal with both Roofy and Didak missing chances and finally it was up to B.O.G 'Dangerous' Davey Allen (whose mum flies in this week, if anyone's interested in meeting Mrs Allen?) to slot through the game winner and break the Rhinos back. The Rhinos continued to fight though and when Scher ran full steam like one of his Pontiac Grand Am's through the middle and kicked long, Morgan swept again and almost kicked goal of the year but alas, the post was in the way. Again though the Rhinos attacked, this time through Lance the dance whose handball to Drake saw the ball head in Gordos direction but the sniper popped up again and a second Rhino was left wounded on the ground as K.O.G.S signalled the end of one of the best Metro games played in the 3 years of this competition. Skills were excellent, running was spectacular and even the fitness looked pretty good as the two teams embraced after the game. To the victor the spoils as the Piranhas walked triumphantly unbeaten from the ground. Allen, suffering from a nice smack to the gob in the dying minutes was presented with the bottomless mug and had this to say after the game. "MacGlashan? Tall guy right, complains a lot? Nah, we didn't miss him.... Oh that's Burgmann, sorry, Al's the guy that was in Playboy and Chicago magazines right? , Nah, didn't miss him at all. Was a great game from all concerned and kudos to the Rhinos who were bloody terrific and had a red hot shot at us. I reckon we proved a point to all tonight, the Piranhas are fair dinkum".

FINAL SCORES:
LP 5.14: 44 (6 rushed points in all that!) def WV 5.2: 32

BEST:
LP: Allen (bottomless mug), Dobbs, Palmer, Isadore
WV: Morgan (backpack), Scher (t shirt), Ambrosino, Mike Panek (guys on fire!)

GOALS:
LP: Roofy, Allen, Rogers, Didak, Ehlers 1
WV: Morgan J, Ambrosino 2, Miller 1

BURGMANN AWARD (exec and club decision... now open to Australians)
3- Dave Allen   3- Dave Allen
2- Jez Morgan   2- Brian Dobbs
1- Mike Panek   1- Jez Morgan

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10 May, 2008 | Metro Round 2

Piranhas Serve Notice

Burgmann Fields, Chicago;
After Chicago Mayor, Richard M. Daley, stood in front of a 500 strong crowd several years ago to rename this piece of Lincoln Park 'Burgmann Fields', there are rumors that it will again be renamed, this time to the Burgmann Cemetery after the big man was taken apart for the third time this season, this time by a suffocating Piranha defense led by Al MacGlashan and Jeremy Morgan.  In troubling times for the brainstrust at Burgmann Towers, ahead of a must win MAAFL game against St Louis, Burgmann has not been able to get out of first gear kicking only 1 goal in Friday nights big clash where the Piranhas were finally able to overcome their nemesis and beat the Tigers for the first time in 3 seasons.  Often frustrated by poor delivery, Tiger big guns Burgmann, Hoyt and Biggs took to any means necessary to get the ball but all to no avail as they were outmuscled and outnumbered by Kastilahn and his Piranhas.  The game started with a sensational turn out by both teams and for the first time in history, a full compliment of umpires each of who did a wonderful job it must be said.  It was the Piranhas who looked the goods out of the blocks though with a lot of tough ball gets around the ground resulting in forward forays of which one ended up in the hands of big Roofy whose mark and goal started proceedings for the favourites.  From then on the rest of the first quarter belonged to the Tigers with Poncho and Nemo getting on top down back and Billy and Graham dominating possession around the middle. Goals to Panek and Burgmann sent the Tigers into the first break 7 points up, 2.2: 14 to 1.1: 7. With daughter Kathryn and very pregnant wife looking on loving from the sidelines, big Al Macglashan, kickless in the first, moved himself out of the forward line and back onto Burgmann who was starting to show signs of life finally. The effect was instant as he was able to shut down not only Burgmann but the entire Tiger forward line with the help of Morgan, Allen, BJ, DK and Worniak.  Despite Graham and Poncho running riot through the center, the Tigers were not able to consolidate and were only able to add one goal for the term with the little big man, Juzzie Biggs kicking truly.  A frustrated Tigers line up went in to the half time huddle in front 3.4: 22 to LP's 1.3: 9 and despite leading comfortably, all assembled realised this game should've been put to bed already as the Tigers were unable to capitalise on the great work being done by their backline and middle.  The Piranhas were given a nice kick up the arse at half time as Kastilahn sensed the tired legs of the Tigers and demanded more from runners Hayze, Hoyt P, Cisco, Beau Rogers and Davey Allen.  The Tiger forward line were asked a few questions from injured coach, Midway DeJong and as the two teams trotted out to start the premiership quarter, it was still anyones game. 

The Piranhas started to gain the ascendency out of the middle with Davey Allen being well supplied by BJ in the ruck against newbie Jason Seidenberg who was playing a ripper for the Tigers.  Pat Hoyt started to get more possessions and Ryan Hayze was finally being noticed by his teammates and was starting to run riot out wide and through the middle but alas, the delivery of the piranha middle men was atrocious and while Roofy tried, he was constantly out positioned by B.O.G Poncho Bradley and with great support from a determined Nemo, it became a game of backmen kicking it to each other.  A classic crumbers goal to Dides broke the stalemate and produced the terms only goal after Burgmann's shot at the end went out on the full from 30 meters out dead in front.  At the orange break, the LS Tigers were hanging on 3.6: 24 to a sluggish Pirnaha outfit, 2. 5: 17.

Mustard willed the lads on as DK demanded more from his tiring Piranhas and it was clear that in this low scoring affair, whoever grabbed that first goal would control momentum so big Al threw himself up forward and started to take over.  The Piranhas were full of piss and vinegar as Dides slipped through his second.  After Beau Rogers kicked truly and LP hit the lead, it was clear changes needed to be made if the Tigers were to get out of this one.  A tiring Nemo and Poncho battled valiantly but with a forward line functioning like a 2 bob watch, the ball was rebounding too quickly and despite valiant efforts by an impressive Seidenberg, a promising Soup and others, the Piranhas were to good.  When Dougie fresh stepped in to mark and goal, the game was over and a victorious MacGlashan, interviewed after the game was full of praise for himself and his men. "Yeeeesssss mayyyte, I killed Wazza, did ya see that? The big galah didn't know what hit him. But nah, the boys were good today but we need to work on a few things, especially the delivery to our forwards. Dougie Fresh was good, liked Hayzie on the wing and when we get Roofy going, it will be all good to go against the farken Rhino scum of Wrigleyville".

Final Scores:
Lincoln Park - 6.5: 41 def Lincoln Sqaure - 3. 8: 26

Best Players:
LP: MacGlashan, D. Fresh, Allen, Hayze, BJ
LS: Poncho, Brennan, Nemo, Oscar

Goals:
LP: Didak 2, Roofy, Rogers, Dougie Fresh 1 (We are missing 1 goal from the Piranhas. Whoever was wearing # 21 kicked it I think??)
LS: Biggs, Panek, Burgmann 1

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Metro Fixture and Statistics